growing up

My life has been much easier when I was in college. There I said it. And I know it is not that original having that thought. 

After graduation I told myself I have to adapt a healthy lifestyle - an active one, quit smoking, eat right. To be in a job that I 'want', in a company where I could stay.

Having the active lifestyle?

-Haven't fully adapted it yet. But hey, now I do run for atleast not less than once a week. Sometimes more or everyday and now trying out jumping ropes.

Quit smoking?

-Still working on it. I feel it'll be soon. Anyway, let's skip this.

Eat right?

-It had been better compared to 'teenage years relied on quick service food'. And I only drink 3 beverages: water, milk and green tea.

I have been in the job that I want, been in the company where I could stay. But I didn't. Why? Because circumstances changes constantly. And when things changes, the re-assessment of priorities presents itself to you.

What am I saying? When I have grasped the success of having exactly what I want where I wanted to be, I realized I have put myself in a place to rightly feel that I can actually do much better than what I have planned for myself years ago.

I have been making it happen for almost a year now. Looking back, most of it didn't go as planned. It is frustrating not to be in control, definitely. And all I do is complain. Now, all I see is a great opportunity that seems like being re-directed to me for my evaluation. A path being laid to me all this time just to land in a certain doorstep.

I have grown a few years since I was an above average height - prominent jawline - hot tempered - avengeful - scheming girl, who usually gets away with her being lazy and lack of sense of responsibility kind of character.

I have been once like that. But i'm not saying I can't be anymore. You know I still can't stand people who unknowingly thinks highly of themselves, and people who manipulates me. Fantasies of revenge still runs on my mind sometimes. Names of people I won't forget. People who sucks by being ignorant and fussy. People that is 'empty', nothing to see right through them.

I have encountered enough at this age. And I can recognize these kinds in the first minute, at least 2 feet away. I can smell them in my clothes, taste it on my lips.

Basically, with all the things didn't go as planned, while trying to adapt to changes. I look around and I'm well surrounded with love, faith and hope. My family is intact as it always have been, I have a lot of quality friends from childhood, school, previous jobs. A healthy body, a college diploma for the career I want to build, a set ef experiences to avoid certain types of people, a healthy state of mind of knowing I have the luxury of time and knowing what I want. And most of all, my relationship with God.

To whoever it is looking out for me. I want you to know, no matter how I worry and complain badly sometimes, I am forever grateful seeing what really matters through you. I know in my heart I am truly blessed. And I know that whatever lies ahead of me it'll be only wonderful things worth seeing..

Because you're already there.

Psalm 103:2

Proverbs 24:3

Joshua 1:9

Prov 3:6

to you

To you reading this, I know that you do actually read this.

It just happen I already decided to speak myself. I have been dying to do that for a long time now. Too long to the fact I actually forgot few things that should have been pointed out as well.

Let's just say, now I also decided to let go of those words unsaid.

After the last conversation, I understand the level of your own deception from yourself. I already have the idea about that, but I didn't know how can someone be possibly that ignorant. So you think being like that is okay because you have encountered it from others. And unfortunately, you put up with it. Now you think it is okay for you to expect that from others too. Gahd, you have no idea how lost you are. You are much more fucked up than me.

I am dissapointed. You can see that all over my face. Not because of rejection ( I am immuned to that) but because all this time despite my annoyance whenever you are around, I actually thought you are better than that and it is too late for me to realize.

I asked your age because I want to know the level of knowledge regarding work and how it matches with 'maturity' (I heard some people calls it 'people skills' around workplaces). Which yours appears to be really unharmonized. Good luck with that. If I told you this, you'll say 'then why is it just with you' (you said that to me before). I'm not gonna give you the direct answer. But I'll give you a tip: "The quality of a man is measured on how he treats his inferiors not his equals". Fair enough, you can measure yourself on that.

You are totally deceived on how effective you can be at work from how you are growing old as a person. I'd rather be ineffective at work with a good well being, than be like you.

I am thankful meeting you. I'd seen how someone could be really lost.