him and preferences

When I heard about you for the first time, I acted like I don't care (knowing it's from family members. I don't let them know my personal interest especially regarding this; as it will be taken for fun-against me at some point!). They've told me a few things, and the truth is there's a great deal of eagerness to meet you. 

First, how come I never heard about you before. Seems like the people closest to me knew you a long time ago. And I guess you already know; that in this town – it's a small world.

Second, I have a thing for older guys. As of this age, 7 years older is still young, my max is 15.

Third, I have been told you're handsome and you are single. How can someone be single at that age. I don't understand.

Fourth, maybe you're gay. I love gay. Maybe we can be friends

Fifth, we're probably the same height or smaller, possibly just a few cm. Either way, it's nothing new to the situations that I've been.

And sixth, that you are really good in what you do. Keyword is real 'compassionate'

You know, I'm an introvert, I think a lot, and my values includes seeing things fairly. For me to see things fairly is to find out all perspectives available and let go of my biases there is. I see a bouquet of flowers and wonder am I the only one seeing a large ribbon with flowers (that's also being fair with the ribbon). So whatever! my mind is twisted, it's my instinct.

The point is, in having a few info about you beforehand; it is impossible for me not to be riveted.

And so the day comes, we've met. We're in our hospital room, and you will officially provide the treatment to my mother. I still remember that faded blue chuck taylor you're wearing, and I thought we have the same size (which is probably 6 or 6 and a half in Converse size).

Although we weren't formally introduced, I am surprised you are being grossed out of what you see. How do I know? It's all over your face. Wait, you should have been very used to this! Well, knowing that you are looking in an excessively vulgar open wound that smells, now I suppose that's understandable.

Yes, I was looking at you the whole time.

You were asked in front of me if you have kids, you uncomfortably answered you have three. And if you are married, you said it's just a matter of time. My interest dropped to zero. Faster than a snap of a finger.

First, I'm not interested with three kids. One is okay, in fact, it's great. Two is okay. Three is already out of the question.

Second, clearly you are committed. Although, I felt somehow she's kinda lucky. But whatever, I thought 'forget it', and atleast you're not gay. On the other hand, we can't be friends.

So I stopped staring at you and continued watching TV. I wasn't really watching, I just knew I have to stop staring and look away. I never did watch local TV actually, and this time you are smirking or smiling – and at that instance, you're the one looking at me, I'm confused.

Few days had passed and our talks are mandatory. I can sense you can be easily intimidated. You are confusingly like that –wayy more than the others! I don't know, maybe because in reality you are 2 inches smaller than me?

It's somehow inappropriate knowing I've already told about you to a few friends of mine. I actually did lie to one telling we're actually dating, or we've had dinner, something like that. But don't get me wrong, I'm far from delusional. I just used it to justify a lie I made from the past.

Sorry, you're the cover-up I came up with from the top of my head. Maybe because it's from all the online-stalking I did during that week. Which all started because you don't use facebook! So I've looked for your last name, your sister and mother showed up, even the charity that your family is supporting, I also found one of your assistant, and you definitely do like a lot of eating.

I promise it wouldn't have gone too far if you just simply use facebook.

Moreover, I found out you're fully single and only have one boy. I can prove that my social research is valid. Now, why is that doesn't match? Well, one way to confirm is through you, I know.

Within this year, I'll found out.

to you

To you reading this, I know that you do actually read this.

It just happen I already decided to speak myself. I have been dying to do that for a long time now. Too long to the fact I actually forgot few things that should have been pointed out as well.

Let's just say, now I also decided to let go of those words unsaid.

After the last conversation, I understand the level of your own deception from yourself. I already have the idea about that, but I didn't know how can someone be possibly that ignorant. So you think being like that is okay because you have encountered it from others. And unfortunately, you put up with it. Now you think it is okay for you to expect that from others too. Gahd, you have no idea how lost you are. You are much more fucked up than me.

I am dissapointed. You can see that all over my face. Not because of rejection ( I am immuned to that) but because all this time despite my annoyance whenever you are around, I actually thought you are better than that and it is too late for me to realize.

I asked your age because I want to know the level of knowledge regarding work and how it matches with 'maturity' (I heard some people calls it 'people skills' around workplaces). Which yours appears to be really unharmonized. Good luck with that. If I told you this, you'll say 'then why is it just with you' (you said that to me before). I'm not gonna give you the direct answer. But I'll give you a tip: "The quality of a man is measured on how he treats his inferiors not his equals". Fair enough, you can measure yourself on that.

You are totally deceived on how effective you can be at work from how you are growing old as a person. I'd rather be ineffective at work with a good well being, than be like you.

I am thankful meeting you. I'd seen how someone could be really lost.

one of those days

Just having one those days wherein I am certain that I feel a lot of burst of crying.

First, I have a hell of a fucking manager who mocks the hell out of me. It just happen this is the first time that I'm liking the company-working condition that I have put myself in. People is lovely (except him ofcourse and his friend beside him who's just equally judging me), good food, less strict and all that, and my current job description can positively beneficial to my career someday. The complication of knowing that 'I want to stay' is already established beyond doubt while this fucking person just fully consumes me whenever he's around.

Second, it's a friday -meaning traffic is worst. I walked from SLEX corner Dela Rosa street to LRT Gil Puyat just to ride the bus. Imagine all the pollution I have in me. This had happened twice now and would probably happened again. I just want to go home already! That's it -no more no less. Or maybe all the walking is just the releasing of the negative energy that I restrained from the unreasonable fucking mocking earlier.

Third, when I attempted to cut into the long line of passengers in the bus station, the guard who actually has nothing to do with the operations of the transportation just 'casually' asked me in a loud manner (to make others hear him) that I should properly fall in line from the back.

So I turned my back on him thinking I would love to literally have a grenade and just blow myself up.

To my fucking manager, I don't know if you are just naturally like that. In either way, I couldn't care less about you really. I just want to comply to my job as I actually want to keep it. So you're asking me about the basis of that fucking report you asked me to do, wherein we both know that the only source is a very limited list of data? Then maybe you should start accepting the ideas of others (not just yours) then somehow you'll have one.

What did I ever do to you that it seems to me like I am your enemy? It is not my nature at all to have the energy in arguing with closed minded shit of yours. FYI that fucking energy was already reserved for my mother since childhood (which is actually gone now at this age). So the point is, belated happy mother's day, haha.

To city of makati, please do something about the rush of friday nights. 

To guard, FUCK YOU.

hot or cold

I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs lately. A clear intuition of pure black and white that shifts in a hand span of a time.

A new one had arrived who seems too good to be true. Tall, above normal endearing physical presence, probably clever. Obviously, my eyes are enthralled. Not physically, but on what my eyes can see through it.

I am thrilled knowing that somehow, an almost same age opposite sex isn't initially intimidated by my strange presence (that is actually nothing harmless). Although I can still sense that there's still a bit of that (I can tell the hands are fidgeting sometimes haha). But at the same time, I am surprised as this person can actually point out faults into my face critically.

It was so interesting. It's been a long time to encounter such a direct action towards me, I almost thought there's actually none who can be. You know, the only person who can be like that to me is my mother; some teachers from high school (lol); next is the closest friends -friends whom I count decades with.

But it's something professional, not even friends. Saying that means I can't just actually plot revenge, and be sarcastically-awesome like I always been. I have to remind myself (whenever I feel annoyed) that this is what I actually prefer in this life area as it perfectly matches my natural being.

Yes, annoyed too. See? the shifting of the reactions above? Trust me, I am equally puzzled in the last few weeks. 

So what do I see through? Nothing. Seriously, it's too direct I can't even tell if I am really being respected or belittled, challenged or being constructively criticized. WHAT THE FUCK is HAPPENING? So annoying! This is so not me.. 

But I'll figure this out. I'll just have to be patient (like REALLY patient to the point that I have to compromise my image of being a fool! Argh!); as I will reserve one day for this person in the future to make a point that all this time he actually have no idea that there's a thin line between being an asshole and sassy, a line which I actually cross everyday; and truth is, you actually need to think twice to level up your authenticity in front of me; because I am more than willing to give it back to you for a very long time now!

being done

I’ll write anything I want.  No points and coherence. I’ll decide what it will have to be, just wanting to have my way for once.

I’ll tell you something, we all want to have what we think we deserve, but you will not be aware of it unless you already know you’re getting some that you don’t. I’ll refuse, and always will be. I would rather have nothing.

The intention of thinking positively, to not hurt others, to have faith and to ask for mercy – what does it mean? You get the finest opposite of it in return anyway. Frustrations, disappointments, betrayal and judgments – we’ll endure. But you have to do something before it poisons the soul; before the sense of fighting for yourself to make this world a beautiful place to live-- be gone.

Rock bottom, I surrender.  After everything through, I don’t know what I know anymore. The time is up, I was strong, incorrigible for it to happen. I have lifted everything to you. When is the time to understand all of this? The world has bigger problems, still, I’m keeping my hopes up, the only one I’m holding on to. Doubting to whom and whom?  Are the demands really that high. Are the abilities really that low.

Probably, I just want to climb a mountain, sweat like I have never been before. Going up high screaming my lungs out, enjoying the sound of the wind and water; seeing morning sunlight in a very cool weather. I would love to breathe a fresh air, in a night with a very visible stars shining in its best, to the point I’ll be certain that tomorrow will be the brightest sunny day I could ever witness.

untitled

An individual who intentionally established themselves as creatively genius, along with the counterfeit superiority; and is engaged with politics that involves crabs in the bucket without looking responsible of it. Also, tolerates everyone who's doing the same without making him/her a constitute of the said habits.

AND YOU STILL THINK YOU ARE DISCREET?! Aww... you truly are full of shit. Some people deserves to be stuck and deceived in a place where everyone thought is someone's lost.

who do you think you are?

Aside from bragging, when someone demonstrates regards to themselves, the only differences we can think of is that they might just be being proud, ambitious and being real or inspirational.

In fact, most people do believe that the only thing worse than bragging, is being falsely modest. But, there were “actions” that separates “building an impression".

THE MANIFESTOS we're mostly aware of:

• Statement about him/her self that’s obvious, and assuming everyone's aware about it.
• Someone or everyone included in the situation was affected/offended by his/her actions.
• The bragging DOESN’T have any purpose, AT ALL.
• Pushing an idea or opinion to someone that is obviously “rationally unjust” OR not claiming his/her own fault and still being defensive about it.
• Claiming and accusing people that they are jealous to them.
• Assertion of something they didn’t truly earn and at the same time “bragging and claiming a part of it” (example: obtaining a house, car, managing a business that is actually provided by the parents)
• The info that the person is bragging about is false.

IF YOU THINK YOU ARE ONE MENTIONED ABOVE, READ FUTHER...

It’s okay, part of your beliefs, mistakes and individuality, respect from others is your birth right. But then anyone can roll their eyes every time they will encounter you. In most that I have seen, they will handle it in:

1. Letting it pass (which I always do especially if it’s in work)
2. Being “subtle” for the avenge comeback. And for some;
3. Well, bringing back what they’ve felt in a much worse form or double.

For the 3rd statement, why? There were some who just can’t tolerate, even if they know the person who made them feel that way is unaware.

So if you think you're NOT entitled in receiving any backfire by acting superior in an unreasonable way, because you think you're something, then, who the fcuk! you think you are?

Yes, some people MIGHT wouldn't mind. But hey, even the President of the Philippines has his own opposition. Still then, why not you?

You can influence what other people think about you, but not the way how they feel.

NOW, WHO DO I THINK I AM?

Whether I’ll be or not “something” someday, I will always stay the same way.

It doesn’t mean that since you think you’re something for now, it’ll be valid acting superior to others, unless you’re truly the authority then maybe you deserve some. And even if your are! move on man! It’s not actually intimidating, it’s fcuking ANNOYING! Some people just don’t realize, isn’t it?

The way I’ve mentioned superiority and authority here in these situations are different. Every time I'll encounter it, I might just let it pass, because maybe you are just being unaware acting that way; while, I do CAN perceive it positively. But it’s now time for you to understand the difference of the two. And still, if you don’t, ponder this:

Whoever is your parents, friends;
Whatever job position that you have; and,
Whatever it is you think you are, face the consequences of only getting the politeness that you are paying for (don't be deceived - nothing more, nothing less)

OR..

FINE! for what you are claiming for... but not the RESPECT, HONOR or anything else AGAIN you THOUGHT you exclusively deserve. 

LTMFH

Letter to my future husband


Dear husband,


Before everything else, I just wanted to make it clear, this is NOT a love letter! I want you to know this has been written not less than 6 and a half years ago. The wedding has been (maybe) 2 days ago, and this is my gift. Well, we both know I’m very generous.

You must have been one of kind? That means I never did let you go and vice-versa. We had reached this day it’s an achievement for me and you. To this moment my happiness can’t easily be described. Because for the first time in my life, I fought for someone and I didn’t let that one go.

Let go -  It happened many times before (so tiring) especially when they did demanded it for themselves (I’m not sure and I don’t care, don’t stare at me like that - I’m innocent!). All I know is that I never did stop someone from separating themselves. Maybe once or twice to get out of guilt, but i fought myself for you.

And somehow proud to say, that I always find myself good at a state of being independent. I'm sorry if I lend you and didn't put up a fight back with your third party who just like you too much. It doesn't mean he likes you more than I do! It's just too classy for me.

I might be too hard to handle, to the fact that I can’t even handle myself sometimes lol. I have the every perfect specimen for you to give up. That’s why I’m pretty sure, in surviving until this day? Wow. You, really are, one of a kind. No wonder I never did let myself to lose you.

As for credit to one of my few favorite RnB song Anonymous by Bobby Valentino (heard the first part?) and also: “why are you so hard to find? All I know is that we’d be the perfect match” – From now on, it wasn’t one of my favorite songs anymore, because I already found you and I already did make sure, we’re the perfect match.

You had probably mastered my mood swings, which is very constant. Well, explaining myself about it is a little bit complicated for me. And if I did try, maybe it will take the next 72 hours. But I am glad you already listened to Hot n’ Cold by Katy Perry, I’m a Bitch I’m a Lover by Alanis Morisette and Every Other Time by LFO. That would be easier for me and we'll save a lot of time.

I’m not expecting you to be a fast earning-rich guy.. My only concern is that you’re a real grown-up man. Well, not every adult by means of higher numbers of age are real mature (you know that’s a fact!). Trust me, I know. It never worked out with a person whose in the same childish-playing-safe pole I’m at.

Now we’re living together. My only concern is you know, I didn’t came from a prominent-rich genetics. But I don’t do house chores, I never and will never be fond of it. So the deal is, I will let you to be MY BOSS in the house being responsible for it and I’ll be the one making money. Ok? I seriously hope you don’t mind. What?! Don’t look at me like that!! Because, I’m currently working so hard to pay housekeeping and room service and that!! goddamn penthouse window you’re leaning at!
 
I'm carping. That’s the most hating attitude of me everytime we had an argument. I know it’s bad especially when it manifests! And probably one of the reason why you had to give up for so many times before. I know... some, actually, oh well, countless! Not even made it half way.

Now, congratulations to you! Because your reward is to have your wife (that’s me!) which means you have grown being a stronger man, totally ready for challenges in tolerating the “carping” for the rest of your life. Your prize? right after the wedding I finally decided to try my best to lessen it for you. (smiles)

After everything we have been through, I don’t know why you stayed. There must have been some reasons. All I know is, I’m a not a bad person just like what I described myself intentionally to you in our first to five date; Though, I admit, at some point I had proved it and crossed the lines.

I really don’t mean to do or say any forms of cruelty to you. I’ve gone so out of control and exaggerated. Sometimes I really just found myself establishing it every time I feel threatened in real feelings arising in me. Because all I’ve been praying for is to have someone who can accept me no matter who I am, because I guarantee it will be reciprocated.

We did it. Your honesty, trust and patience had always been the key. You had saved me from my myself. And I can never thank you enough for that.


Till next letter.



Sincerely yours,
D

don’t read

WARNING: this has been written not meant for you to understand.

In a starry night when shooting stars are falling across in different directions ensembles a dancing lights that is perfectly visible on a plain black night, matches a loud noise of pure combined sounds. Venus witnessed it, and everyone had come to see it.

Under a black night, It is where you’ll find Mars - came along with the usual objective to make an impact where Venus is circling in the dark orbit.

• Venus ask the sun “how will some Venus-like can identify a pure mars with a usual objective”
• Sun answers, “a symbol hanging on the neck” pointing to one who just arrived to watch the falling stars and dance with it.

Venus saw one mars carrying a heavy-duty metal chain and a pendant of an odd symbol on his neck. And “that one is just an example” said Sun. “definitely many of them around here”.
“That is bizarre, what in the heavens is it? They don’t need to carry heavy objects on their necks while stargazing! ” Venus sounds so mystified.
“It is meant to be bizarre, and aims for you to ask for it – which is, you just did” sun sounding so bored.“Perhaps, you should ask mars the exact thing”.

Venus come over to the first mars she saw, she was surprised he’s not the only mars who’s carrying a heavy metal pendants, mars is with friends.

• “That’s weird” Venus pointing to the heavy-duty metal on Mars’ neck.
• “Oh it is? Actually, It isn’t. I am Mars by the way”
• “Huh?? Oh.. I know. I’m Venus all the way. I’m quite familiar you love orbiting on this place”
• “It’s my first time going here actually” said mars
• “Oh what makes you come for the first time here? not to mention stargazing, you obviously love stars because you have a star-partnered-outfit - a star logo on your shirt, star shaped ring on your finger and earring that compliments well on the pendant of a perfect star. That must be a set of outfit!” Venus brags.
• Sun: “ Yeah I got it in a local mall for a set in sale!-just kidding! Hey! You make it sounds like I’m gay. Well, the truth is, it is more than just a star at night” explained Mars
• Venus: “Then what is it? It looked so heavy on you, you might have been so hard on yourself”
• “it’s a necklace, symbolizes our brotherhood” Mars pointing to his other four companion.
• Venus: “That was quite literal, do the 5 pointed tips of the star symbolizing each of you?”
• Mars: “YES”
• Venus: “hahahaha now that is gay”
• Mars looking so frustrated about Venus laughing at his face.
• Venus: hey I don’t mean to.. uhmm. Laugh. I’m just happy I met someone like you tonight. (she’s lying)
• Mars: really? (well, that was easy) he thought!

The truth is, Venus know she have to make the effort in continuing the stupid conversation about a pathetic pendant of this man “it is what it is meant for” reminding herself. She wanted answers, She wanted to know how it usually goes. And thinks she’s getting less than what she expected. “This guy doesn’t really know how the river goes”.
 

Sun goes to her back “I know what you’re thinking! yeah I guess he’s just new, definitely practicing”

“Oh” exclaimed Venus sounding not so surprise. “Why are they doing this?” she asked.
Sun: lack of belief on oneself? Because seriously, who does this?
Venus: I get it, but, why like this? They can be friendly in a natural way.

Sun: Maybe Mars isn’t always what you have thought them to be. You’re the one who will show them the way. They’re always on the orbit of being safe.

Venus: I’m trying to understand. But on what they’re doing? They thoroughly block even the real ones.

Sun “This mars are good in what they do, the stronger they are as they seem to be, the higher effort they execute to establish it.”

Venus: poor mars’ of the world. They are meant for guidance. They are deceived, in believing it’s easier in the way they know, and believing they’re the one who fool us. But the truth is, everything they have thought they achieved is until just then, nothing more.
Sun: yeah, they’re the only one who will always be fooled.

And that’s the reason why Venus had more reasons why she should continue the pointless conversation with mars, because of pity, guilt –“they’re all twisted” – on the other way round, that is actually never enough reason for her to be there with mars permanently. Venus’ there, well, only at least for now.

Galaxy is getting wider as it gets old. To have the untwisted one, will take you another planet to another planet in understanding what wasting time to countless planets is for. Establishing deception is a perfect blend for multiple failed of connections, At least it will be fair that one lifetime is more than enough to master it. And when you do identify what’s wrong, to the next one, you’ll have it.

As for Mars and Venus there are so many of them in the same upside-down. The truth is, they are always hoping that there comes a time they will find the planet that wasn’t just a perfect fool similar to both of them.

open letter

Dear Creator,

I wish I could pray for the first time stating something that isn’t for what I hope you wanted me to be. But I am sure this is NO thank you’s, NO asking for forgiveness, or wishing for something. Just an honest declaration.

Everything I prayed for, especially for this past few days, is maybe just what I wanted. I literally don’t know what it is on your side, at least there’s one way I know how.  On the other hand, I think it isn’t so selfish enough to the fact that the road I will always be willing to take is the only way going to you.

We both know I am inconsistent. A word that had perfectly linked my other qualities to describe my character well. Also the reason why I always made a final decision that changes from time to time or if not; the decision is TOO FIRM to the point i exactly know what to do more than anyone else I guess. (well, it seldom happens, but trust me i don't think you want it that way all the time)

I’m not saying it's a bad thing, not a good thing either; it has pros and cons; sometimes it helps me a lot to feel absolutely better, and sometimes it makes me feel worst. That, had always made me realize I'm a real HUMAN that is just TRULY seeking hard for guidance.

For every day, I always pray that just don’t let me get through in the 1st path if I wouldn’t make it all the way. I'm thinking i would hurt more if i just make it halfway. Which is what you always did and never did let me on any of it, may be not just YET. I trust you, for me it simply means you have this specific one that you wanted me to take. I have a feeling it will be sooner. To the fact, I am here today - so alive.

I am working hard with the finest right motivations around me, finding this road that will mean a mutual decision of you and me. I’ m wanting only the best for myself, who doesn’t? That, sometimes makes me feel sorry for myself, because I know that I won't stop to require myself in working hard for it - until I have it. 

Whatever happens, no matter how you blessed me well, I will always believe in you.

Love,
D

here's a hint

Build up yourself and impress everyone in the best way that you want until you believe it’s what other people really get (honestly, they don’t). Anyway, feel contented and maybe “happy and proud of yourself” without making you notice that these people already knew how shallow you are, and they’re just putting their best diplomacy on you. You are very free to spend the rest of your life not to get tired of it (haha), UNLESS YOU ALREADY REALIZED -

1. That you’re predictable, then that will be definitely boring
2. That you already figure it out – what’s the point? (of being like that). Because seriously, is there really is?
3. That the truth is, at the end of the day the only person who has been a victim and fooled by your own ways is none other than YOU. =)

cause of effect

I’ll show you who I am, it’s only something that you gain.
Tell me when I’m wrong, then I’ll assure you, even you, you’ll never be right.
I’ll ask you what is wrong, just tell me who you are.
When you show me what is right, I see you everything wrong.

Accept the truth, only when trust is in both hands.
Tell me I’m complicated, I’ll tell you, trust isn't for you;
I don’t trust you, because that’s what you do.
Pretend you don’t know, I’ll regard you as a waste of time.
Tell me it’s nothing, then, you really are one.

Give me the impression, I’ll give you just the same.
Accused me of being a kid, you’re just a reflection of it.
Explain what is this, bet you can’t - purposely.
Give me the utmost effort, I’ll give more than what you deserve.

Tell everyone it didn’t work, I’ll tell them what you’ve done.
Don't tell me you backed-out, because honestly, i'm just making time pass by.
Ask me what would it be, then I’ll tell you my priority.

crush

The first time I saw him hadn’t ring a bell, he's like a normal typical guy you will pass by in a street every morning.

Not until when I already had the first chance to look at him closely, a look that is more than just a glance. I was so busy then, many things that is pending to entertain. I’m not so sure if he’s handsome, but I’m positive he wouldn’t make my head turned on a normal day, cliche, why I was attracted in a blink of an eye, I’m not like this.

One Thursday afternoon he approached me, asked who I am. There’s something about his round eyes I can’t explain.  It’s not red, blue or green, but I’m pretty sure it is deep.

While he was talking, I’m not listening. “He has an accent” I said to myself, he obviously came from NOT a nearby place. I find myself looking at his shoulders, arms and breast under his smooth-well ironed-white long sleeves, “looks perfect”, said to myself. I’m not listening, but I’m hearing him, “a humored man” I observed. He laughs easily, and smiles sincerely.

Not a matinee idol or hardcore look, a flat-well-groomed-slight-curly hair, not even tall, gifted with a white-smooth-fair skin that compliments well on his white uniform and round face. But I think, he looks like there is something much more about him. Hoping, i'll have a chance to know him more.

That night I go home thinking about him. I wonder who he is. I’m not even sure, "did I also ask his name back?".

The following afternoon we met again, it’s obvious he’s friends with everybody around the place. Every time he smiles, he really looked so happy. I wonder if he really is, since his eyes and ears also smiles together with his lips.

He passes by, I got his smell, it’s not about the perfume, i'm not particular with someone else's smell, I don’t know, but, it was just right. Not too strong, enough for me to chase his smell. I’m sure I don’t mind he will always be beside me.

I’ve tried to ask basic personal questions. I don’t know and care if he’s single or not, it’s weird why I only wonder if he’s a decent man? For whatever reason, I shouldn’t be very obvious that I was liking someone here. Not especially for him to know, and especially not on this, on my "not typical" reason. So I’m doing double time not to be noticed. I’m treating him just like everyone else. 

Few days passed by, I was right, he’s very funny and friends with everybody, everything I thought of about him is right. He can make me laugh effortlessly. I caught myself smiling every time he talks to me. Funny, I’m still not paying attention to what he was saying, I’m busy staring at him every time he talks to me, while not making it obvious.

Then I found the reason why I easily got committed nowadays on something I should, it’s unusual that was fast. Now that I see him for almost every day, I think I got a new reasons to comply for something I should be responsible about.

This is until he’s not yet leaving.

Because you're inciting pity by yourself

Because you're inciting pity by yourself i have nothing to do with that really :)) i'ts like assuming that you find out something negative happening that you barely know.

Well i tell you this, you found out exactly the same things you do to your neighbors. You are making this easy, accusing people that they had done something exactly the same thing you do to them? FUNNY HOW YOU DEFINE YOURSELF. Sometimes people deserves to be pathetic, you and your pathetic friends. =))

You are now having the same feeling that you had made them feel before, it's called karma.

Kudos to my friend who had bring out the best in your own settings of priority. cheers! But i notice you're unaware on the character of a person you are becoming. :)

This is a music video link dedicated for you. Such a perfect song that fits very well in persons like you.

No offense and no worries. Why? There's always plenty of reasons:

1. Because you will never ever see me against your true being, this will be the last time i'll pay attention to this, if you continue then it's your choice.

2. I don't want to pay attention to details because you're someone i should barely confront right? because that's what you do to me, so okay i will deal with that :)

3. This post expresses my concern, it's up to you if you're mostly comfortable acquiring this against you. Attitude Problem wasn't my problem anyway, by the word itself - it's yours.

I emphasized the bolded lines in the lyrics for you. :) and the music video link ready

WARNING - INCUBUS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz4DmBKbUxs

Bat your eyes

girl.

Be otherworldly.

Count your blessings.

Seduce a stranger.

What's so wrong with being happy?

KUDOS TO THOSE WHO SEE THROUGH SICKNESS...yeah

Over and over and over and over...........

She woke in the morning.

She knew that her life had passed her by

She called out a warning.

Don't ever let life pass you by.

I suggest we

Learn to love ourselves,

Before its made illegal

When will we learn, When will we change

Just in time to see it all come down

Those left standing will make millions

Writing books on ways it should have been

She woke in the morning.

She knew that her life had passed her by

She called out a warning.

Don't ever let life pass you by.

Floating in this cosmic Jacuzzi

We are like frogs oblivious

Soon the water starting to boil,

Now I flinched and we all float face down

She woke in the morning.

She knew that her life had passed her by

She called out a warning.

Don't ever let life pass you by.

Pass you by.

:]

the depth in your eyes backups the light, it hastens the intensity that provoked my sense of sight.

so are you, me too

I can see the restraint in your eyes, it doesn't lie because it reflected on mine.

unconscious impulses

Apart from longing and loneliness, why is a human being cant accept trials that will enable them to handle challenge; in spite of knowing its price.
Maybe because price has its impartial premise, it always have opposite equal reaction. Here it goes..

Sometimes I feel like I should decide first
before it takes to be brave
in order to be willing in taking consequences,
so that in the end even if it fails, I wont hesitate.

The things bolded above surely have something to do in formulating firmness in my chosen settlement. Of course, I don’t want my end result to be at peril.
And I guess risk is another one.

But one thing is already certain, I guarantee that I am secured,
that I must determine the utmost important.
Hence, the most difficult part is I don’t know where should I commence.
I am not brave enough on where should I properly deliberate: mentally or emotionally.

The two has a cluster of opposing thought.
And each has different set of initial intricate circumstances.
Both are complex in their own way;
outrageous to combine.
I should only choose one to think fit.

As of now I possess the luxury of time,
all I want is to deliberate it well.

Afterall, this is something I have wished before...
(My post last year, click here)

you will know where the edge is,

after you've gone over it

1 whole week is all i need to make myself more confused. Yes more confused.
A new option that I learned while I’m having trouble in time – I want it to be useful. Right after this semester, every day I am out, all day and all night. But I found out it doesn’t help:

1. it just makes me feel less in control.
2. It doesn’t help making me feel less guilty.


Exactly just what I have thought: You can’t escape from what is really within you. That time I decided on hitting what is really in front of my face, since I am the only one who will truly help myself, I assess that I have to consider myself carefully – and first. These are the things:

1. Time
2. Pride
3. Emotion
4. Strategy


I came to thinking that you’ll never know what is the solution if you really don’t know what is the real problem. It is easy as it sounds, but there are many things you don’t want to believe even if you are the one who found it out (you don’t even want to say it aloud). Apparently, i acknowledge for the worst, and expect for the least. He’s doing games without him knowing and I have to play it practical.

The 4 mentioned above can’t be done as one at the same time. I’m not sure why emotion is included there, for the first time, but what do I expect to do? So hard! I knew it wouldn’t come, the way that I have planned. So I finally planned to take my part, take it - in the way that I know.

Now I am done.

It can’t be whole again without it’s another half. If it doesn’t , its okay.. if he will- that’s good! But it will take another story. And surely I won’t bet for something that is there but broken. My actions came out just right. No regrets

Now, it is not already up to me, i feel no pressure within. I am not the one who did not do everything in trying to make things right.

Believe me, im so tired. Tired to the fact that I don’t care about its outcome anymore. Let's just see. Bahala na. - that is what confusion makes you! haha (try it sometimes!) ^_^

deal with it

obviously downplaying, good thing you find the most applicable words without noticing you're actually being defensive over it.

A tribute

Curiosity actually bears something else - sometimes

I now smoke more than twice of amount of cigarettes I did before, and have been spending too much money in it. Aside from food and transportation, Yosi is included in my poor weekly budget and diet LOL. I have to consider 2 packs in 5days, the one that I smoke outdoor and in weekends are exempted.

This bothers me so much, I’m so worried for my very young lungs, and he just doesn’t deserve this. But on the other hand, I don’t have any plans to stop this addictive kind of thing. But well, actually I have, maybe after 5 more years.

I got to thinking about the main figures and incidents in my life that has influenced my addictive social being. And the most central figure of all is my family background. All of the immediate family members where I belong to is smoking, but I guess not as much as I do now. I’ve seen them when I was younger, though they say it was bad, I thought it wasn’t that bad to try it once if i like anyway.

Until one day a new found young yaya is in for service to take care for a 8 year old girl, too bad for this girl who got his first smoke when she was just about grade1. Since we have a small store in our house that time, I have tasted all the local brands of cigarettes, I know all the differences –menthol, blue seal , cheap to awful. It is somehow a good thing to do if your young mind is curious and you want to kill time when there is no one left at the room except you.

After that I haven’t remembered anything that makes my mind stimulated by a more curiosity. Until 4th grade, I won’t forget the moment that eight of my closest friends got into the silliest idea that a grade 4 brat could had - to try smoking inside our campus. we actually don’t mind that we have to consider that we’re in a catholic school and basically nuns are the main authority in that school. Until we were caught.

It was like a unpublished headline in our school, we are the 2nd one in entire school having this case; 1st as girls; 1st as elementary, since then every smoking cases had just followed actually. Aside from guidance counselors, school’s discipline coordinator and intermediate teacher’s faculty, I don’t know how the hell happened that the news got through the walls of high school department. Well of course I’m in the right mind now to suspect the possibility that it was via our own “teachers”. Funny huh? I guess they were so outrageously shocked-- So shocked until they don’t even care for the publicity for morality of the student behind the headline, and so shocked-- that they cannot even shut their mouth.

However, the whole process of the incident had triggered my childhood so much. I remembered the eight of us, spending regular school hours everyday in the guidance counselor or discipline officer’s office since the day it has happened; Begging not to advise additional provisions about the said tragedy in life of these little girls to their parents. We can’t barely imagine, how the HELL we’ll gonna say this kind of F*CKED-UP case to our guardians!

These girls had been probated for the 1st year of their intermediate level, and it was like we were sentenced for our whole life in that school. We were somehow famous in disguise. But in that time smoking didn't came to the point that it already became my vice. And I would not forget the idea of how the eight of us use to be much more closer and observe unity in the process. Like, “what we’ll gonna do?”, “what we’ll gonna say?”, “How we gonna act?” – “hey, we should cry while begging, like we’re gonna die because It doesn’t have to be that way”. Poor minds, not thinking that it has been finished already the moment it started to be known by the public.

Each of us got suspended for two days after the final exams LOL. Our parents advised us not to be with each other AGAIN OF COURSE – Though there were still a number who is still nice to decide that she should obey her guardian, but we have been through, some of us STILL spending time in playing kids games, recess, lunch and dismissal OF COURSE . The former eight is subtracted in a lesser number meaning each had to accept that not everyone of us is strong enough to believe in the fact that "individuality is still OVERPOWERING than the spirit of bad influence."

That’s the time that I finally found my way around my mind and tracks me down to consciousness leading about true friendship. Since then, It influenced me so well and I can say that it is one of the great contributor in my well being, that aside from immediate family and relatives, it has another phase called true friends.

True friends are more than similarities it is closely composed of individuality, character, loyalty, and time spent. And I’ll tell you a fact that: if some friends is easy to attain so it is not as valuable as compare to the ones you have hardships through.

After graduating in 6th grade i already tried every single imported cigars available in the market on that time, time had passed since then just like friends, some had gone and some had just passed,

but definitely there will be much better who will come - someone who is more deserved to be acquired. And is worth your trust by the new character or uniqueness and unconditional loyalty they use to contribute for building a tighter bond.

And i'm happy to say that this little girls who come and goes seems to be my closest friends until in this moment of time. But well, i guess it will take another story :)