hinder

I wanted to be taken. I suddenly felt the urge of the future just freely crash into me. Maybe I’m just somehow being alarmed. I have frequent thoughts that maybe it could be great to belong to someone; that it would be fulfilling to finally let go of other possibilities and start learning being content.

I have to start reading books again, let go of other movies. I have nothing to do all day and yet, things that should matter are stalled. Nuisances are what I ought to accomplish.

I’ll give myself this whole month, then watch me I’ll be back on track. 

internalized

What was the thing that you did something for the first time in a long time?

I did almost caught a dream come true last April 20, and 3 days ago I’ve learned I was only 1 step short. It was depressing knowing it for the first hour. But unlike before (in dealing with the same scenario), knowing the difference of devastation and frustration is somewhat confusing in the first 2 days, at least.

I have tried several times to give up pursuing this dream; knowing as time passes by I have found new strengths, alternative opportunities. But now, I have to admit it’s still with me, much more than ever.  Instead, time had given me more reasons to pursue it. Not to mention the confidence in myself I have re-gained during the process, now I know I really can.

All along, what I know is I’m only enthusiastic about it because it’s the life I want to live for myself. But during the span of an hour, I’ve internalized my sadness much better for the first time in years: That dream come true is beneficial for the people that I love most. 

16 personalities

The urge to suddenly write struck and came out from nowhere. The only reason that I'm aware of is I am bored. I usually write whenever I feel strong emotions, and when I say I feel emotional, it is limited in the barriers of being mad and frustrated. It has to change.

Oh, and also whenever I finish reading a book. Because that's when writing in english is much more effortless.

Speaking of boredom, I took a personality test online. It's called 16 personalities that is based on Myers-Briggs theory. I took it several times in countless websites just to make sure. The results usually juggles between INTP and INTJ.

The two isn't that far from each other. But to equate it both, these personality types are the top-most logical and rational out of 16 personalities. Although, I have to agree I'm more of an INTP. INTJ is too stiff for me.

Well, the slogan of this test is “It’s so incredible to finally be understood”. And I agree; it's just that all this time, I thought all people knew that it is always best to rely all the time on reasons instead of emotions, but chooses not to. Now it makes much more sense that:

I am normally being judged as heartless ever since I was young.

I really hate it when emotions is being involved especially around workplaces, and I think it's unfair.

Being perceived as snob. I have much lesser energy on unnecessary conversations. But don't get me wrong, I do get along with people. But I can always tell the difference of forced interactions to necessary ones.

I can actually tell what I want, what I don't want and curse straight in the face, and won't stab you ever! But that is not how society works isn't it.

Sometimes I get tired of rubbing others' the wrong way without me knowing. I always think they are just being a 12 year old forever.

I find it really irrational if someone in authority instantly expects respect from the others.

I always think I'll be more effective in a leadership role.

Now I know why some people talks behind someone else's back, whenever they felt their emotions wasn't validated.

I don't think it's my fault though. Even up to now.

him and preferences

When I heard about you for the first time, I acted like I don't care (knowing it's from family members. I don't let them know my personal interest especially regarding this; as it will be taken for fun-against me at some point!). They've told me a few things, and the truth is there's a great deal of eagerness to meet you. 

First, how come I never heard about you before. Seems like the people closest to me knew you a long time ago. And I guess you already know; that in this town – it's a small world.

Second, I have a thing for older guys. As of this age, 7 years older is still young, my max is 15.

Third, I have been told you're handsome and you are single. How can someone be single at that age. I don't understand.

Fourth, maybe you're gay. I love gay. Maybe we can be friends

Fifth, we're probably the same height or smaller, possibly just a few cm. Either way, it's nothing new to the situations that I've been.

And sixth, that you are really good in what you do. Keyword is real 'compassionate'

You know, I'm an introvert, I think a lot, and my values includes seeing things fairly. For me to see things fairly is to find out all perspectives available and let go of my biases there is. I see a bouquet of flowers and wonder am I the only one seeing a large ribbon with flowers (that's also being fair with the ribbon). So whatever! my mind is twisted, it's my instinct.

The point is, in having a few info about you beforehand; it is impossible for me not to be riveted.

And so the day comes, we've met. We're in our hospital room, and you will officially provide the treatment to my mother. I still remember that faded blue chuck taylor you're wearing, and I thought we have the same size (which is probably 6 or 6 and a half in Converse size).

Although we weren't formally introduced, I am surprised you are being grossed out of what you see. How do I know? It's all over your face. Wait, you should have been very used to this! Well, knowing that you are looking in an excessively vulgar open wound that smells, now I suppose that's understandable.

Yes, I was looking at you the whole time.

You were asked in front of me if you have kids, you uncomfortably answered you have three. And if you are married, you said it's just a matter of time. My interest dropped to zero. Faster than a snap of a finger.

First, I'm not interested with three kids. One is okay, in fact, it's great. Two is okay. Three is already out of the question.

Second, clearly you are committed. Although, I felt somehow she's kinda lucky. But whatever, I thought 'forget it', and atleast you're not gay. On the other hand, we can't be friends.

So I stopped staring at you and continued watching TV. I wasn't really watching, I just knew I have to stop staring and look away. I never did watch local TV actually, and this time you are smirking or smiling – and at that instance, you're the one looking at me, I'm confused.

Few days had passed and our talks are mandatory. I can sense you can be easily intimidated. You are confusingly like that –wayy more than the others! I don't know, maybe because in reality you are 2 inches smaller than me?

It's somehow inappropriate knowing I've already told about you to a few friends of mine. I actually did lie to one telling we're actually dating, or we've had dinner, something like that. But don't get me wrong, I'm far from delusional. I just used it to justify a lie I made from the past.

Sorry, you're the cover-up I came up with from the top of my head. Maybe because it's from all the online-stalking I did during that week. Which all started because you don't use facebook! So I've looked for your last name, your sister and mother showed up, even the charity that your family is supporting, I also found one of your assistant, and you definitely do like a lot of eating.

I promise it wouldn't have gone too far if you just simply use facebook.

Moreover, I found out you're fully single and only have one boy. I can prove that my social research is valid. Now, why is that doesn't match? Well, one way to confirm is through you, I know.

Within this year, I'll found out.

by J. Raymond