trite

I do have a lot to write. Too many --I'm not sure where to start. It's been weeks since thoughts had been baffling me, coming to me like flood. Several good points had passed without keeping a record of it. But today, I'll try. And for the general idea of the first thought for this post, I'll give you this --“true love”.

Sounds real trite, dramatic; just like most of the contents of the things I'm about to say. But the truth is, most of us is blessed to have it from family and friends. I had been real dependent on that two for a long time now (probably I'm the longest single girl). The love I receive from these sources had always been enough for me to honestly think that maybe, there is no point to add more... Not until now.

I am totally used to being solitary. I am most comfortable on my own. Therefore, in order for me to be with someone, the presence of that 'someone' has to be better than my solitude. In fact, it's a great hassle to accommodate suitors at the same. So probably that 'someone' doesn't have to compete with anyone, but he has to compete with my comfort zones. 

Love is give and take (another trite) and I strongly believe in that. Family and friends loves us unconditionally (I agree that's how it's supposed to be). To be in a family whether it's blood or not, there is an unconscious compromise to each other in order for the unconditional “love” to work. I'm not saying you have to agree, but for me, real “love” comes with “compromise”, that's how I meant it for give and take.

So why add another “love”, when you know you have enough? To have the third compromise? Nah.

But don't get me wrong, I've tried to go through the process many times to make it real for me - I do date - have crushes - been there done that - had my heart broken - blah and blah. But none of all the romantic relationships that I had I sincerely wanted to last, whether it is serious or not. It's just for the sake of not missing the experience (It's kind of embarrassing to admit that).

Being heartbroken for me is synonymous to the term “disappointment”, that's how I plainly feel whenever I have one. You know, being heartbroken doesn't mean you are hurt because you are always planning it to last. To me, it hurts because the end I always knew had already came, here in front of me --'which will eventually pass, just give me some time'. *smiles

So you think it's selfish or terrible; and that is why one day I told myself I have to stop. That I won't allow myself to enter anything unless my intentions as a lady is also pure towards a person. On the other hand, I am proud to say It's been years since I've stood up for that. The sad part is, I haven't found it yet.

Sometimes I think that knowing exactly what I want makes finding it much more difficult. But my 'wants' aren't actually that plain like: handsome, rich, intelligent, polite and all that shit. I know exactly what I want because I know exactly what I can offer. That made me aware in being careful.

I can honestly accept a person whoever they are –as long as eventually It'll be reciprocated, I fully understand I can't make a good "team" on my own. It's just that, the thing that drives me off as always is the vibe from a man's initial intention of “testing the waters”. It makes me sick. In which I understand why most of them are. But it's one thing I can't barely tolerate. 

That is just the start. Probably the list of making it difficult could possibly be longer.  I can't stand in getting the intention of “testing the waters” because to me, it should be “I'm already here and willing, I'll wait and try if you want to get in”. Is it really that impossible? But I'm still being really patient, because it happened once, I still believe there's still is.

Men can't just “get to know the lady and let's see where my feelings in the course of one month is gonna take me” haha. Maybe it will work for some (I have nothing against that ---and those are girls though) but trust me men, you can do better than that. The key is to decide. Be a man, speak it up and own it. Yes, that's how it is being a man. Decide, wherever it takes you.

Whoever he is, how he looks, how he behaves, no matter how sensitive he is. That's the man I am patiently praying for. I don't want a boss, nor a peasant, I want to be with my equal. A man who takes on life just right ahead, right on his face (can naturally be emotional) but deals with it. He who deserves a respect worth of a lifetime. The love I want to have and give back. Me and him against the world, with the characteristics that is necessary. The quality of a life partner.