by J. Raymond

Farewell 2015

Kinda have a lot of free time for this year. Feels like I'm bound to have sleepless nights and long days anytime soon. Well, I really hope soon it will all make great sense to me.

A little putting up with some 'unreasonable new peep' but I don't want to get to that anymore. The important things is that miserable person is gone forever in my life.

In the good side, the rest of the free time are about family duties. Although I'm still accused of being selfish for quite some time. It's okay, I find it funny anyway.

Declines and dismissal. A lot of which unbelievably happened consecutively. But here I am still aspiring big time, I'm an immovable person with lots of enthusiasm making things happen. I learned I'm an optimist.

I prayed really hard during the morning of Christmas. Crying and asking for some sense. Now I wonder am I the only one praying in frustration asking things to have sense? A combination of gratitude for things learned, good and bad things happened, good motives and for making things happen.

I'm really looking forward for 2016. A great celestial move that will blow it all away! That maybe it's not really important for things to make sense anyway *smiles

trite

I do have a lot to write. Too many --I'm not sure where to start. It's been weeks since thoughts had been baffling me, coming to me like flood. Several good points had passed without keeping a record of it. But today, I'll try. And for the general idea of the first thought for this post, I'll give you this --“true love”.

Sounds real trite, dramatic; just like most of the contents of the things I'm about to say. But the truth is, most of us is blessed to have it from family and friends. I had been real dependent on that two for a long time now (probably I'm the longest single girl). The love I receive from these sources had always been enough for me to honestly think that maybe, there is no point to add more... Not until now.

I am totally used to being solitary. I am most comfortable on my own. Therefore, in order for me to be with someone, the presence of that 'someone' has to be better than my solitude. In fact, it's a great hassle to accommodate suitors at the same. So probably that 'someone' doesn't have to compete with anyone, but he has to compete with my comfort zones. 

Love is give and take (another trite) and I strongly believe in that. Family and friends loves us unconditionally (I agree that's how it's supposed to be). To be in a family whether it's blood or not, there is an unconscious compromise to each other in order for the unconditional “love” to work. I'm not saying you have to agree, but for me, real “love” comes with “compromise”, that's how I meant it for give and take.

So why add another “love”, when you know you have enough? To have the third compromise? Nah.

But don't get me wrong, I've tried to go through the process many times to make it real for me - I do date - have crushes - been there done that - had my heart broken - blah and blah. But none of all the romantic relationships that I had I sincerely wanted to last, whether it is serious or not. It's just for the sake of not missing the experience (It's kind of embarrassing to admit that).

Being heartbroken for me is synonymous to the term “disappointment”, that's how I plainly feel whenever I have one. You know, being heartbroken doesn't mean you are hurt because you are always planning it to last. To me, it hurts because the end I always knew had already came, here in front of me --'which will eventually pass, just give me some time'. *smiles

So you think it's selfish or terrible; and that is why one day I told myself I have to stop. That I won't allow myself to enter anything unless my intentions as a lady is also pure towards a person. On the other hand, I am proud to say It's been years since I've stood up for that. The sad part is, I haven't found it yet.

Sometimes I think that knowing exactly what I want makes finding it much more difficult. But my 'wants' aren't actually that plain like: handsome, rich, intelligent, polite and all that shit. I know exactly what I want because I know exactly what I can offer. That made me aware in being careful.

I can honestly accept a person whoever they are –as long as eventually It'll be reciprocated, I fully understand I can't make a good "team" on my own. It's just that, the thing that drives me off as always is the vibe from a man's initial intention of “testing the waters”. It makes me sick. In which I understand why most of them are. But it's one thing I can't barely tolerate. 

That is just the start. Probably the list of making it difficult could possibly be longer.  I can't stand in getting the intention of “testing the waters” because to me, it should be “I'm already here and willing, I'll wait and try if you want to get in”. Is it really that impossible? But I'm still being really patient, because it happened once, I still believe there's still is.

Men can't just “get to know the lady and let's see where my feelings in the course of one month is gonna take me” haha. Maybe it will work for some (I have nothing against that ---and those are girls though) but trust me men, you can do better than that. The key is to decide. Be a man, speak it up and own it. Yes, that's how it is being a man. Decide, wherever it takes you.

Whoever he is, how he looks, how he behaves, no matter how sensitive he is. That's the man I am patiently praying for. I don't want a boss, nor a peasant, I want to be with my equal. A man who takes on life just right ahead, right on his face (can naturally be emotional) but deals with it. He who deserves a respect worth of a lifetime. The love I want to have and give back. Me and him against the world, with the characteristics that is necessary. The quality of a life partner.

growing up

My life has been much easier when I was in college. There I said it. And I know it is not that original having that thought. 

After graduation I told myself I have to adapt a healthy lifestyle - an active one, quit smoking, eat right. To be in a job that I 'want', in a company where I could stay.

Having the active lifestyle?

-Haven't fully adapted it yet. But hey, now I do run for atleast not less than once a week. Sometimes more or everyday and now trying out jumping ropes.

Quit smoking?

-Still working on it. I feel it'll be soon. Anyway, let's skip this.

Eat right?

-It had been better compared to 'teenage years relied on quick service food'. And I only drink 3 beverages: water, milk and green tea.

I have been in the job that I want, been in the company where I could stay. But I didn't. Why? Because circumstances changes constantly. And when things changes, the re-assessment of priorities presents itself to you.

What am I saying? When I have grasped the success of having exactly what I want where I wanted to be, I realized I have put myself in a place to rightly feel that I can actually do much better than what I have planned for myself years ago.

I have been making it happen for almost a year now. Looking back, most of it didn't go as planned. It is frustrating not to be in control, definitely. And all I do is complain. Now, all I see is a great opportunity that seems like being re-directed to me for my evaluation. A path being laid to me all this time just to land in a certain doorstep.

I have grown a few years since I was an above average height - prominent jawline - hot tempered - avengeful - scheming girl, who usually gets away with her being lazy and lack of sense of responsibility kind of character.

I have been once like that. But i'm not saying I can't be anymore. You know I still can't stand people who unknowingly thinks highly of themselves, and people who manipulates me. Fantasies of revenge still runs on my mind sometimes. Names of people I won't forget. People who sucks by being ignorant and fussy. People that is 'empty', nothing to see right through them.

I have encountered enough at this age. And I can recognize these kinds in the first minute, at least 2 feet away. I can smell them in my clothes, taste it on my lips.

Basically, with all the things didn't go as planned, while trying to adapt to changes. I look around and I'm well surrounded with love, faith and hope. My family is intact as it always have been, I have a lot of quality friends from childhood, school, previous jobs. A healthy body, a college diploma for the career I want to build, a set ef experiences to avoid certain types of people, a healthy state of mind of knowing I have the luxury of time and knowing what I want. And most of all, my relationship with God.

To whoever it is looking out for me. I want you to know, no matter how I worry and complain badly sometimes, I am forever grateful seeing what really matters through you. I know in my heart I am truly blessed. And I know that whatever lies ahead of me it'll be only wonderful things worth seeing..

Because you're already there.

Psalm 103:2

Proverbs 24:3

Joshua 1:9

Prov 3:6

to you

To you reading this, I know that you do actually read this.

It just happen I already decided to speak myself. I have been dying to do that for a long time now. Too long to the fact I actually forgot few things that should have been pointed out as well.

Let's just say, now I also decided to let go of those words unsaid.

After the last conversation, I understand the level of your own deception from yourself. I already have the idea about that, but I didn't know how can someone be possibly that ignorant. So you think being like that is okay because you have encountered it from others. And unfortunately, you put up with it. Now you think it is okay for you to expect that from others too. Gahd, you have no idea how lost you are. You are much more fucked up than me.

I am dissapointed. You can see that all over my face. Not because of rejection ( I am immuned to that) but because all this time despite my annoyance whenever you are around, I actually thought you are better than that and it is too late for me to realize.

I asked your age because I want to know the level of knowledge regarding work and how it matches with 'maturity' (I heard some people calls it 'people skills' around workplaces). Which yours appears to be really unharmonized. Good luck with that. If I told you this, you'll say 'then why is it just with you' (you said that to me before). I'm not gonna give you the direct answer. But I'll give you a tip: "The quality of a man is measured on how he treats his inferiors not his equals". Fair enough, you can measure yourself on that.

You are totally deceived on how effective you can be at work from how you are growing old as a person. I'd rather be ineffective at work with a good well being, than be like you.

I am thankful meeting you. I'd seen how someone could be really lost.