I just want

I am suppose to write a becoming trend of events during Fridays, but I won't. I am also suppose to write what I really should have said back to people earlier, but I won't. I don't want to be in my most expressive state just because I feel like shit.

I just want to have millions of money, so that I won't have to put up with something that drains me; or put up with something that is against my nature.

I need to have someone who won't judge me, who will always be there; who I can trust; who I can be with at the end of an exhausting day. I know I'll have it and deserves it, because I am willing to do that for someone too.

I want to be an X-men mutant with teleportation powers, so that i'll have more time within a day to spend with people who matters.

I just want everyone to be happy. So that everyone can respect each other rightly. I will never want to hurt anyone nor will be interested with their thoughts; because I know I'm an introverted-diplomatic woman and I like it this way.

I have never attempted to alter other's opinions. I assume everyone knows that they owe themselves to have an open mind. I always make a way to myself in order for me to understand others. I usually agree even if it is against my values. I am a good person who's not afraid to be judged, who's always sincere, who's intention is to respect so that I could meet everyone half way.

I just wish everyone will the do the same too. So that at some point I know that i'm doing it right for others.

one of those days

Just having one those days wherein I am certain that I feel a lot of burst of crying.

First, I have a hell of a fucking manager who mocks the hell out of me. It just happen this is the first time that I'm liking the company-working condition that I have put myself in. People is lovely (except him ofcourse and his friend beside him who's just equally judging me), good food, less strict and all that, and my current job description can positively beneficial to my career someday. The complication of knowing that 'I want to stay' is already established beyond doubt while this fucking person just fully consumes me whenever he's around.

Second, it's a friday -meaning traffic is worst. I walked from SLEX corner Dela Rosa street to LRT Gil Puyat just to ride the bus. Imagine all the pollution I have in me. This had happened twice now and would probably happened again. I just want to go home already! That's it -no more no less. Or maybe all the walking is just the releasing of the negative energy that I restrained from the unreasonable fucking mocking earlier.

Third, when I attempted to cut into the long line of passengers in the bus station, the guard who actually has nothing to do with the operations of the transportation just 'casually' asked me in a loud manner (to make others hear him) that I should properly fall in line from the back.

So I turned my back on him thinking I would love to literally have a grenade and just blow myself up.

To my fucking manager, I don't know if you are just naturally like that. In either way, I couldn't care less about you really. I just want to comply to my job as I actually want to keep it. So you're asking me about the basis of that fucking report you asked me to do, wherein we both know that the only source is a very limited list of data? Then maybe you should start accepting the ideas of others (not just yours) then somehow you'll have one.

What did I ever do to you that it seems to me like I am your enemy? It is not my nature at all to have the energy in arguing with closed minded shit of yours. FYI that fucking energy was already reserved for my mother since childhood (which is actually gone now at this age). So the point is, belated happy mother's day, haha.

To city of makati, please do something about the rush of friday nights. 

To guard, FUCK YOU.

hot or cold

I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs lately. A clear intuition of pure black and white that shifts in a hand span of a time.

A new one had arrived who seems too good to be true. Tall, above normal endearing physical presence, probably clever. Obviously, my eyes are enthralled. Not physically, but on what my eyes can see through it.

I am thrilled knowing that somehow, an almost same age opposite sex isn't initially intimidated by my strange presence (that is actually nothing harmless). Although I can still sense that there's still a bit of that (I can tell the hands are fidgeting sometimes haha). But at the same time, I am surprised as this person can actually point out faults into my face critically.

It was so interesting. It's been a long time to encounter such a direct action towards me, I almost thought there's actually none who can be. You know, the only person who can be like that to me is my mother; some teachers from high school (lol); next is the closest friends -friends whom I count decades with.

But it's something professional, not even friends. Saying that means I can't just actually plot revenge, and be sarcastically-awesome like I always been. I have to remind myself (whenever I feel annoyed) that this is what I actually prefer in this life area as it perfectly matches my natural being.

Yes, annoyed too. See? the shifting of the reactions above? Trust me, I am equally puzzled in the last few weeks. 

So what do I see through? Nothing. Seriously, it's too direct I can't even tell if I am really being respected or belittled, challenged or being constructively criticized. WHAT THE FUCK is HAPPENING? So annoying! This is so not me.. 

But I'll figure this out. I'll just have to be patient (like REALLY patient to the point that I have to compromise my image of being a fool! Argh!); as I will reserve one day for this person in the future to make a point that all this time he actually have no idea that there's a thin line between being an asshole and sassy, a line which I actually cross everyday; and truth is, you actually need to think twice to level up your authenticity in front of me; because I am more than willing to give it back to you for a very long time now!

differences

This is the day I realized that I am truly have been a part of various entities for a short period of time. True, I do brag about my adaptation abilities, a strength that would have never been harnessed in this level anyway if I have always been very normal and not strange. Haha

So what can I say? ‘They all differ’ –too obvious for me to say, and a little embarrass, as I have truly overlooked that fact at some point, especially now.

Embarrass? Well, I have always been confident about my learning capacity. From utilizing the superficial charm in order to deliver a high-professional kind of customer service; to taste and create coffee or tea and how it differ in tasting like wine; to understand and become proficient in a highly specialized  developed systems, wherein the business process itself allows you with no mistake. 

And, that is just some..

I have been part of a totally varied places. Places wherein you can easily tell if business ethics are strictly observed or not; If people are educated and full of those you can’t trust; Places which can be abusive or generous and all that. Too different to the point I can find the traces of myself intentionally resigning and then acquiring new jobs just to fulfill the desire to challenge myself.

So instead of being an expert on something specific, I actually have a wide range set of skills that I can magically relate to each other everytime I have to re-write my resume. hahaha 

Before, I have to admit that I despise the fact that I can’t stay. But looking back, it had greatly contributed to my being, I love the fact on how I have greatly benefited from it. 

Except of course, from place to place, you have to compromise and accept the fact that you are being totally underestimated by colleagues –because you’re new, still learning! ‘FROM THAT LINE OF WORK’ lol

--Fine, I’ll accept.  But this is what I’ll say, ‘YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW ANYTHING EXCEPT THIS ONE’. And what are you gonna do anyway if our workplace building had collapsed along with the industry you are an expert to; will forever vanish in the universe?

What happens to you, and how can you define yourself really, outside of your work that you claim yourself and expert to? Nothing. Because the truth is, you don’t know anything. So stop feeling whatever that is that makes you feel highly of yourself; and for your own sake having the sense of being safe, MIGHT AS WELL KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND.

what happens

I'm sorry about awhile ago. I don't mean to consume some of your time. I just thought it is best to communicate in an honest way. There will be no problem if I am familiar with it. I am particular with my ability to handle tasks that can actually be much more complicated; and it's just that at the same time, I am well aware about my deficiencies too.

However, I hope you understand when I say I honestly think there are details you will normally overlook (or forgot to tell) because it might appear very simple to you as you are very familiar already. Compared to your level or familiarity, mine is just a glance-- that's what I really mean to say.

Also, if sometimes you have to bear with me while i'm still at this stage of learning. I'm really sorry.

****That's what happens when a company doesn't provide formal training. The one who's in authority (the one who's in charge of teaching) will be dismayed as he/she is expecting the staff to get it right away (keep in mind not all bosses are trained to be a trainer/teacher) lol. Anyway, it consumes their time as they actually have real work to do at the same time. Then, the new staff will be judged as somewhat slow and will be embarassed to ask the boss necessary questions. hahaha. 

But remember this: No one will ever be capable to help you in your work if you are not patient or not willingly enough to share your knowledge to somebody. You think it is time consuming and repetitive? Well, it really is! But if you do atleast give it some time, try to imagine how it can greatly help you someday, if you'll just willingly invest. Learn some spirit of teamwork and empathy, will you? Asshole.