16 personalities

The urge to suddenly write struck and came out from nowhere. The only reason that I'm aware of is I am bored. I usually write whenever I feel strong emotions, and when I say I feel emotional, it is limited in the barriers of being mad and frustrated. It has to change.

Oh, and also whenever I finish reading a book. Because that's when writing in english is much more effortless.

Speaking of boredom, I took a personality test online. It's called 16 personalities that is based on Myers-Briggs theory. I took it several times in countless websites just to make sure. The results usually juggles between INTP and INTJ.

The two isn't that far from each other. But to equate it both, these personality types are the top-most logical and rational out of 16 personalities. Although, I have to agree I'm more of an INTP. INTJ is too stiff for me.

Well, the slogan of this test is “It’s so incredible to finally be understood”. And I agree; it's just that all this time, I thought all people knew that it is always best to rely all the time on reasons instead of emotions, but chooses not to. Now it makes much more sense that:

I am normally being judged as heartless ever since I was young.

I really hate it when emotions is being involved especially around workplaces, and I think it's unfair.

Being perceived as snob. I have much lesser energy on unnecessary conversations. But don't get me wrong, I do get along with people. But I can always tell the difference of forced interactions to necessary ones.

I can actually tell what I want, what I don't want and curse straight in the face, and won't stab you ever! But that is not how society works isn't it.

Sometimes I get tired of rubbing others' the wrong way without me knowing. I always think they are just being a 12 year old forever.

I find it really irrational if someone in authority instantly expects respect from the others.

I always think I'll be more effective in a leadership role.

Now I know why some people talks behind someone else's back, whenever they felt their emotions wasn't validated.

I don't think it's my fault though. Even up to now.

him and preferences

When I heard about you for the first time, I acted like I don't care (knowing it's from family members. I don't let them know my personal interest especially regarding this; as it will be taken for fun-against me at some point!). They've told me a few things, and the truth is there's a great deal of eagerness to meet you. 

First, how come I never heard about you before. Seems like the people closest to me knew you a long time ago. And I guess you already know; that in this town – it's a small world.

Second, I have a thing for older guys. As of this age, 7 years older is still young, my max is 15.

Third, I have been told you're handsome and you are single. How can someone be single at that age. I don't understand.

Fourth, maybe you're gay. I love gay. Maybe we can be friends

Fifth, we're probably the same height or smaller, possibly just a few cm. Either way, it's nothing new to the situations that I've been.

And sixth, that you are really good in what you do. Keyword is real 'compassionate'

You know, I'm an introvert, I think a lot, and my values includes seeing things fairly. For me to see things fairly is to find out all perspectives available and let go of my biases there is. I see a bouquet of flowers and wonder am I the only one seeing a large ribbon with flowers (that's also being fair with the ribbon). So whatever! my mind is twisted, it's my instinct.

The point is, in having a few info about you beforehand; it is impossible for me not to be riveted.

And so the day comes, we've met. We're in our hospital room, and you will officially provide the treatment to my mother. I still remember that faded blue chuck taylor you're wearing, and I thought we have the same size (which is probably 6 or 6 and a half in Converse size).

Although we weren't formally introduced, I am surprised you are being grossed out of what you see. How do I know? It's all over your face. Wait, you should have been very used to this! Well, knowing that you are looking in an excessively vulgar open wound that smells, now I suppose that's understandable.

Yes, I was looking at you the whole time.

You were asked in front of me if you have kids, you uncomfortably answered you have three. And if you are married, you said it's just a matter of time. My interest dropped to zero. Faster than a snap of a finger.

First, I'm not interested with three kids. One is okay, in fact, it's great. Two is okay. Three is already out of the question.

Second, clearly you are committed. Although, I felt somehow she's kinda lucky. But whatever, I thought 'forget it', and atleast you're not gay. On the other hand, we can't be friends.

So I stopped staring at you and continued watching TV. I wasn't really watching, I just knew I have to stop staring and look away. I never did watch local TV actually, and this time you are smirking or smiling – and at that instance, you're the one looking at me, I'm confused.

Few days had passed and our talks are mandatory. I can sense you can be easily intimidated. You are confusingly like that –wayy more than the others! I don't know, maybe because in reality you are 2 inches smaller than me?

It's somehow inappropriate knowing I've already told about you to a few friends of mine. I actually did lie to one telling we're actually dating, or we've had dinner, something like that. But don't get me wrong, I'm far from delusional. I just used it to justify a lie I made from the past.

Sorry, you're the cover-up I came up with from the top of my head. Maybe because it's from all the online-stalking I did during that week. Which all started because you don't use facebook! So I've looked for your last name, your sister and mother showed up, even the charity that your family is supporting, I also found one of your assistant, and you definitely do like a lot of eating.

I promise it wouldn't have gone too far if you just simply use facebook.

Moreover, I found out you're fully single and only have one boy. I can prove that my social research is valid. Now, why is that doesn't match? Well, one way to confirm is through you, I know.

Within this year, I'll found out.

by J. Raymond

Farewell 2015

Kinda have a lot of free time for this year. Feels like I'm bound to have sleepless nights and long days anytime soon. Well, I really hope soon it will all make great sense to me.

A little putting up with some 'unreasonable new peep' but I don't want to get to that anymore. The important things is that miserable person is gone forever in my life.

In the good side, the rest of the free time are about family duties. Although I'm still accused of being selfish for quite some time. It's okay, I find it funny anyway.

Declines and dismissal. A lot of which unbelievably happened consecutively. But here I am still aspiring big time, I'm an immovable person with lots of enthusiasm making things happen. I learned I'm an optimist.

I prayed really hard during the morning of Christmas. Crying and asking for some sense. Now I wonder am I the only one praying in frustration asking things to have sense? A combination of gratitude for things learned, good and bad things happened, good motives and for making things happen.

I'm really looking forward for 2016. A great celestial move that will blow it all away! That maybe it's not really important for things to make sense anyway *smiles

trite

I do have a lot to write. Too many --I'm not sure where to start. It's been weeks since thoughts had been baffling me, coming to me like flood. Several good points had passed without keeping a record of it. But today, I'll try. And for the general idea of the first thought for this post, I'll give you this --“true love”.

Sounds real trite, dramatic; just like most of the contents of the things I'm about to say. But the truth is, most of us is blessed to have it from family and friends. I had been real dependent on that two for a long time now (probably I'm the longest single girl). The love I receive from these sources had always been enough for me to honestly think that maybe, there is no point to add more... Not until now.

I am totally used to being solitary. I am most comfortable on my own. Therefore, in order for me to be with someone, the presence of that 'someone' has to be better than my solitude. In fact, it's a great hassle to accommodate suitors at the same. So probably that 'someone' doesn't have to compete with anyone, but he has to compete with my comfort zones. 

Love is give and take (another trite) and I strongly believe in that. Family and friends loves us unconditionally (I agree that's how it's supposed to be). To be in a family whether it's blood or not, there is an unconscious compromise to each other in order for the unconditional “love” to work. I'm not saying you have to agree, but for me, real “love” comes with “compromise”, that's how I meant it for give and take.

So why add another “love”, when you know you have enough? To have the third compromise? Nah.

But don't get me wrong, I've tried to go through the process many times to make it real for me - I do date - have crushes - been there done that - had my heart broken - blah and blah. But none of all the romantic relationships that I had I sincerely wanted to last, whether it is serious or not. It's just for the sake of not missing the experience (It's kind of embarrassing to admit that).

Being heartbroken for me is synonymous to the term “disappointment”, that's how I plainly feel whenever I have one. You know, being heartbroken doesn't mean you are hurt because you are always planning it to last. To me, it hurts because the end I always knew had already came, here in front of me --'which will eventually pass, just give me some time'. *smiles

So you think it's selfish or terrible; and that is why one day I told myself I have to stop. That I won't allow myself to enter anything unless my intentions as a lady is also pure towards a person. On the other hand, I am proud to say It's been years since I've stood up for that. The sad part is, I haven't found it yet.

Sometimes I think that knowing exactly what I want makes finding it much more difficult. But my 'wants' aren't actually that plain like: handsome, rich, intelligent, polite and all that shit. I know exactly what I want because I know exactly what I can offer. That made me aware in being careful.

I can honestly accept a person whoever they are –as long as eventually It'll be reciprocated, I fully understand I can't make a good "team" on my own. It's just that, the thing that drives me off as always is the vibe from a man's initial intention of “testing the waters”. It makes me sick. In which I understand why most of them are. But it's one thing I can't barely tolerate. 

That is just the start. Probably the list of making it difficult could possibly be longer.  I can't stand in getting the intention of “testing the waters” because to me, it should be “I'm already here and willing, I'll wait and try if you want to get in”. Is it really that impossible? But I'm still being really patient, because it happened once, I still believe there's still is.

Men can't just “get to know the lady and let's see where my feelings in the course of one month is gonna take me” haha. Maybe it will work for some (I have nothing against that ---and those are girls though) but trust me men, you can do better than that. The key is to decide. Be a man, speak it up and own it. Yes, that's how it is being a man. Decide, wherever it takes you.

Whoever he is, how he looks, how he behaves, no matter how sensitive he is. That's the man I am patiently praying for. I don't want a boss, nor a peasant, I want to be with my equal. A man who takes on life just right ahead, right on his face (can naturally be emotional) but deals with it. He who deserves a respect worth of a lifetime. The love I want to have and give back. Me and him against the world, with the characteristics that is necessary. The quality of a life partner.