two and five

Thankful to what I have realized even from the start

What I always prefer

Something that I discovered that is rare to find to the opposite sex

Something I think I still have to improve on

Found the right words to describe myself regarding arguments (small one's / work-related)

An advice that I would give to someone I have recently encountered

A wisdom I learned at a very young age; that I will share to my future kids

To summarize the relationships that I've had

Ooh. Of all people, I ALWAYS KNOW THAT

The kind of love from a man that I always pray for

What I remind of myself every time I'm about to feel ashamed because of being mad

This is the level of my integrity I have in me

The introverted side of me. Cheers to myself and what's ahead! :)

on the brighter side

To write once a week is a failure as there is a lot going on lately. I have no idea how strong I could be until I have to deal with everything in the past few weeks. You know I'm confident that the universe owes me a lot with all the condemnation I am receiving, and on the other hand I am thankful about the fact that I am still able to handle it gracefully and can still hasn't fail to find a reason to laugh about it. hahaha.


FAMILY
First, mother got hospitalized, as usual - just like how it can possibly be annually. Yes, she has a sickness which is not fatal but aren't curable really. So the least thing for her to do is to actually take her medications regularly and have a professional consultation monthly.

I do remind her about that, every month; and you know I'm not really the type who always have the excess energy on pushing or reminding someone to do something especially when I know they aren't willing enough. But it is my mother, she will always have the exception.

So the year started and how fast it could be we're already in the mid-year; yet, here we are being a hospital inpatient for almost a month now. 

I am so thankful my father can still rightly provide financially, is so understanding, and is truly good-hearted; knowing that my mother could be really unreasonable, manipulative (which I actually find funny - I love that about her). Important thing is we're all getting through (while an elder sibling is having some nervous breakdown attacks).

After all, we have a newborn in the family from my other elder sibling, safe out and fully healthy. So there's no reason for me to be totally next to my elder sibling who's having some 'attacks' haha.


WORK
I should be done somehow discussing about the fucking mocking and some "incomplete instructions-but when you're wrong-you'll be judged from it anyway" every friday from  'this' person that gives me the "so against my nature I want to stab you in the face" feeling.

I am trying to understand this guy for months now and that is not just every end of work week -but everyday. Now I'm glad I decided to put up with it somehow. I'm not saying that I am totally getting him now (I'm still in awe with all the unecessary crap that comes out of his mouth) but I realized I am also just equally annoying him in a different way (my own way) at the same time. So I should call it quits. haha.

It's not like I'm doing in purpose to annoy him back (atleast not most of the time). It's just that this guy can be easily REALLY annoyed like;

i. when you ask him the same question more than twice (even when the first one was more than a week ago)
ii. when he knows that the question can be gotten from another source
iii. when he already told me something, and I forgot
iv. when I did something for more than the 2nd time and it is still wrong (hahaha)
v. when something is really unorganized (well, in his own standards)

I mean who has the time to be totally consumed by those? I can't believe this guy is actually unknowingly wasting his attention on those. hahaha.

Good thing is, I can see the annoyance in his face (which I always prefer from people) instead of being backstabbed, (although I know he does that too). Well, yes, I'm both being backstabbed and at the same time being judged right in front my face. so whatever! now I find it funny. hahahaha

I asked this guy to be more detailed with his instructions, and I'm glad seeing that at least, he is trying. I can tell he's being more patient too. If only he just knew that my intentions are pure in wanting to help him more. 

I just can't right now as much as I want to, because I have to equalize my emotional and mental state in all areas of my life. I have to keep track or take care of myself and keep my sanity. You know it's a thing you can't just explain to others even if it's with closest friends.

Did I mention I am also broke? I can't literally afford anything right now as my income capacity has been downgraded since I decided to move on from working in the land-based casino. Shit, ugggh. Well, I know it's a thing I have to compromise to have what I want someday.

To finally end my whining about this guy, I have to admit I kinda like him. I find him really interesting. I never met someone who's all consumed with small things, who's so organized, who still works even when he's on leave, who can point out faults even when he also has the deficiency on his part, who's so unfair, moody and stubborn? (without him realizing it) I actually find him funny. I see myself on him when I was 12. 

The kind-of-garbage character is so unique that's why I actually want to be friends with him. I want it to be more than professional, because this kind of guy isn't actually the type who will feel ashamed in front of you, which is authentic, it's REAL, you'll think he can't be too serious with all the insulting shit he says - but it is happening. But ofcourse it is never gonna happen because I will never do the first move ever. I just think it would be great to have a non-professional kind of conversation to this guy where I can be myself just to satisfy my curiosity in discovering his unique crappy thoughts. haha

I just want

I am suppose to write a becoming trend of events during Fridays, but I won't. I am also suppose to write what I really should have said back to people earlier, but I won't. I don't want to be in my most expressive state just because I feel like shit.

I just want to have millions of money, so that I won't have to put up with something that drains me; or put up with something that is against my nature.

I need to have someone who won't judge me, who will always be there; who I can trust; who I can be with at the end of an exhausting day. I know I'll have it and deserves it, because I am willing to do that for someone too.

I want to be an X-men mutant with teleportation powers, so that i'll have more time within a day to spend with people who matters.

I just want everyone to be happy. So that everyone can respect each other rightly. I will never want to hurt anyone nor will be interested with their thoughts; because I know I'm an introverted-diplomatic woman and I like it this way.

I have never attempted to alter other's opinions. I assume everyone knows that they owe themselves to have an open mind. I always make a way to myself in order for me to understand others. I usually agree even if it is against my values. I am a good person who's not afraid to be judged, who's always sincere, who's intention is to respect so that I could meet everyone half way.

I just wish everyone will the do the same too. So that at some point I know that i'm doing it right for others.

one of those days

Just having one those days wherein I am certain that I feel a lot of burst of crying.

First, I have a hell of a fucking manager who mocks the hell out of me. It just happen this is the first time that I'm liking the company-working condition that I have put myself in. People is lovely (except him ofcourse and his friend beside him who's just equally judging me), good food, less strict and all that, and my current job description can positively beneficial to my career someday. The complication of knowing that 'I want to stay' is already established beyond doubt while this fucking person just fully consumes me whenever he's around.

Second, it's a friday -meaning traffic is worst. I walked from SLEX corner Dela Rosa street to LRT Gil Puyat just to ride the bus. Imagine all the pollution I have in me. This had happened twice now and would probably happened again. I just want to go home already! That's it -no more no less. Or maybe all the walking is just the releasing of the negative energy that I restrained from the unreasonable fucking mocking earlier.

Third, when I attempted to cut into the long line of passengers in the bus station, the guard who actually has nothing to do with the operations of the transportation just 'casually' asked me in a loud manner (to make others hear him) that I should properly fall in line from the back.

So I turned my back on him thinking I would love to literally have a grenade and just blow myself up.

To my fucking manager, I don't know if you are just naturally like that. In either way, I couldn't care less about you really. I just want to comply to my job as I actually want to keep it. So you're asking me about the basis of that fucking report you asked me to do, wherein we both know that the only source is a very limited list of data? Then maybe you should start accepting the ideas of others (not just yours) then somehow you'll have one.

What did I ever do to you that it seems to me like I am your enemy? It is not my nature at all to have the energy in arguing with closed minded shit of yours. FYI that fucking energy was already reserved for my mother since childhood (which is actually gone now at this age). So the point is, belated happy mother's day, haha.

To city of makati, please do something about the rush of friday nights. 

To guard, FUCK YOU.

hot or cold

I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs lately. A clear intuition of pure black and white that shifts in a hand span of a time.

A new one had arrived who seems too good to be true. Tall, above normal endearing physical presence, probably clever. Obviously, my eyes are enthralled. Not physically, but on what my eyes can see through it.

I am thrilled knowing that somehow, an almost same age opposite sex isn't initially intimidated by my strange presence (that is actually nothing harmless). Although I can still sense that there's still a bit of that (I can tell the hands are fidgeting sometimes haha). But at the same time, I am surprised as this person can actually point out faults into my face critically.

It was so interesting. It's been a long time to encounter such a direct action towards me, I almost thought there's actually none who can be. You know, the only person who can be like that to me is my mother; some teachers from high school (lol); next is the closest friends -friends whom I count decades with.

But it's something professional, not even friends. Saying that means I can't just actually plot revenge, and be sarcastically-awesome like I always been. I have to remind myself (whenever I feel annoyed) that this is what I actually prefer in this life area as it perfectly matches my natural being.

Yes, annoyed too. See? the shifting of the reactions above? Trust me, I am equally puzzled in the last few weeks. 

So what do I see through? Nothing. Seriously, it's too direct I can't even tell if I am really being respected or belittled, challenged or being constructively criticized. WHAT THE FUCK is HAPPENING? So annoying! This is so not me.. 

But I'll figure this out. I'll just have to be patient (like REALLY patient to the point that I have to compromise my image of being a fool! Argh!); as I will reserve one day for this person in the future to make a point that all this time he actually have no idea that there's a thin line between being an asshole and sassy, a line which I actually cross everyday; and truth is, you actually need to think twice to level up your authenticity in front of me; because I am more than willing to give it back to you for a very long time now!