by J. Raymond

Farewell 2015

Kinda have a lot of free time for this year. Feels like I'm bound to have sleepless nights and long days anytime soon. Well, I really hope soon it will all make great sense to me.

A little putting up with some 'unreasonable new peep' but I don't want to get to that anymore. The important things is that miserable person is gone forever in my life.

In the good side, the rest of the free time are about family duties. Although I'm still accused of being selfish for quite some time. It's okay, I find it funny anyway.

Declines and dismissal. A lot of which unbelievably happened consecutively. But here I am still aspiring big time, I'm an immovable person with lots of enthusiasm making things happen. I learned I'm an optimist.

I prayed really hard during the morning of Christmas. Crying and asking for some sense. Now I wonder am I the only one praying in frustration asking things to have sense? A combination of gratitude for things learned, good and bad things happened, good motives and for making things happen.

I'm really looking forward for 2016. A great celestial move that will blow it all away! That maybe it's not really important for things to make sense anyway *smiles

trite

I do have a lot to write. Too many --I'm not sure where to start. It's been weeks since thoughts had been baffling me, coming to me like flood. Several good points had passed without keeping a record of it. But today, I'll try. And for the general idea of the first thought for this post, I'll give you this --“true love”.

Sounds real trite, dramatic; just like most of the contents of the things I'm about to say. But the truth is, most of us is blessed to have it from family and friends. I had been real dependent on that two for a long time now (probably I'm the longest single girl). The love I receive from these sources had always been enough for me to honestly think that maybe, there is no point to add more... Not until now.

I am totally used to being solitary. I am most comfortable on my own. Therefore, in order for me to be with someone, the presence of that 'someone' has to be better than my solitude. In fact, it's a great hassle to accommodate suitors at the same. So probably that 'someone' doesn't have to compete with anyone, but he has to compete with my comfort zones. 

Love is give and take (another trite) and I strongly believe in that. Family and friends loves us unconditionally (I agree that's how it's supposed to be). To be in a family whether it's blood or not, there is an unconscious compromise to each other in order for the unconditional “love” to work. I'm not saying you have to agree, but for me, real “love” comes with “compromise”, that's how I meant it for give and take.

So why add another “love”, when you know you have enough? To have the third compromise? Nah.

But don't get me wrong, I've tried to go through the process many times to make it real for me - I do date - have crushes - been there done that - had my heart broken - blah and blah. But none of all the romantic relationships that I had I sincerely wanted to last, whether it is serious or not. It's just for the sake of not missing the experience (It's kind of embarrassing to admit that).

Being heartbroken for me is synonymous to the term “disappointment”, that's how I plainly feel whenever I have one. You know, being heartbroken doesn't mean you are hurt because you are always planning it to last. To me, it hurts because the end I always knew had already came, here in front of me --'which will eventually pass, just give me some time'. *smiles

So you think it's selfish or terrible; and that is why one day I told myself I have to stop. That I won't allow myself to enter anything unless my intentions as a lady is also pure towards a person. On the other hand, I am proud to say It's been years since I've stood up for that. The sad part is, I haven't found it yet.

Sometimes I think that knowing exactly what I want makes finding it much more difficult. But my 'wants' aren't actually that plain like: handsome, rich, intelligent, polite and all that shit. I know exactly what I want because I know exactly what I can offer. That made me aware in being careful.

I can honestly accept a person whoever they are –as long as eventually It'll be reciprocated, I fully understand I can't make a good "team" on my own. It's just that, the thing that drives me off as always is the vibe from a man's initial intention of “testing the waters”. It makes me sick. In which I understand why most of them are. But it's one thing I can't barely tolerate. 

That is just the start. Probably the list of making it difficult could possibly be longer.  I can't stand in getting the intention of “testing the waters” because to me, it should be “I'm already here and willing, I'll wait and try if you want to get in”. Is it really that impossible? But I'm still being really patient, because it happened once, I still believe there's still is.

Men can't just “get to know the lady and let's see where my feelings in the course of one month is gonna take me” haha. Maybe it will work for some (I have nothing against that ---and those are girls though) but trust me men, you can do better than that. The key is to decide. Be a man, speak it up and own it. Yes, that's how it is being a man. Decide, wherever it takes you.

Whoever he is, how he looks, how he behaves, no matter how sensitive he is. That's the man I am patiently praying for. I don't want a boss, nor a peasant, I want to be with my equal. A man who takes on life just right ahead, right on his face (can naturally be emotional) but deals with it. He who deserves a respect worth of a lifetime. The love I want to have and give back. Me and him against the world, with the characteristics that is necessary. The quality of a life partner.

growing up

My life has been much easier when I was in college. There I said it. And I know it is not that original having that thought. 

After graduation I told myself I have to adapt a healthy lifestyle - an active one, quit smoking, eat right. To be in a job that I 'want', in a company where I could stay.

Having the active lifestyle?

-Haven't fully adapted it yet. But hey, now I do run for atleast not less than once a week. Sometimes more or everyday and now trying out jumping ropes.

Quit smoking?

-Still working on it. I feel it'll be soon. Anyway, let's skip this.

Eat right?

-It had been better compared to 'teenage years relied on quick service food'. And I only drink 3 beverages: water, milk and green tea.

I have been in the job that I want, been in the company where I could stay. But I didn't. Why? Because circumstances changes constantly. And when things changes, the re-assessment of priorities presents itself to you.

What am I saying? When I have grasped the success of having exactly what I want where I wanted to be, I realized I have put myself in a place to rightly feel that I can actually do much better than what I have planned for myself years ago.

I have been making it happen for almost a year now. Looking back, most of it didn't go as planned. It is frustrating not to be in control, definitely. And all I do is complain. Now, all I see is a great opportunity that seems like being re-directed to me for my evaluation. A path being laid to me all this time just to land in a certain doorstep.

I have grown a few years since I was an above average height - prominent jawline - hot tempered - avengeful - scheming girl, who usually gets away with her being lazy and lack of sense of responsibility kind of character.

I have been once like that. But i'm not saying I can't be anymore. You know I still can't stand people who unknowingly thinks highly of themselves, and people who manipulates me. Fantasies of revenge still runs on my mind sometimes. Names of people I won't forget. People who sucks by being ignorant and fussy. People that is 'empty', nothing to see right through them.

I have encountered enough at this age. And I can recognize these kinds in the first minute, at least 2 feet away. I can smell them in my clothes, taste it on my lips.

Basically, with all the things didn't go as planned, while trying to adapt to changes. I look around and I'm well surrounded with love, faith and hope. My family is intact as it always have been, I have a lot of quality friends from childhood, school, previous jobs. A healthy body, a college diploma for the career I want to build, a set ef experiences to avoid certain types of people, a healthy state of mind of knowing I have the luxury of time and knowing what I want. And most of all, my relationship with God.

To whoever it is looking out for me. I want you to know, no matter how I worry and complain badly sometimes, I am forever grateful seeing what really matters through you. I know in my heart I am truly blessed. And I know that whatever lies ahead of me it'll be only wonderful things worth seeing..

Because you're already there.

Psalm 103:2

Proverbs 24:3

Joshua 1:9

Prov 3:6

to you

To you reading this, I know that you do actually read this.

It just happen I already decided to speak myself. I have been dying to do that for a long time now. Too long to the fact I actually forgot few things that should have been pointed out as well.

Let's just say, now I also decided to let go of those words unsaid.

After the last conversation, I understand the level of your own deception from yourself. I already have the idea about that, but I didn't know how can someone be possibly that ignorant. So you think being like that is okay because you have encountered it from others. And unfortunately, you put up with it. Now you think it is okay for you to expect that from others too. Gahd, you have no idea how lost you are. You are much more fucked up than me.

I am dissapointed. You can see that all over my face. Not because of rejection ( I am immuned to that) but because all this time despite my annoyance whenever you are around, I actually thought you are better than that and it is too late for me to realize.

I asked your age because I want to know the level of knowledge regarding work and how it matches with 'maturity' (I heard some people calls it 'people skills' around workplaces). Which yours appears to be really unharmonized. Good luck with that. If I told you this, you'll say 'then why is it just with you' (you said that to me before). I'm not gonna give you the direct answer. But I'll give you a tip: "The quality of a man is measured on how he treats his inferiors not his equals". Fair enough, you can measure yourself on that.

You are totally deceived on how effective you can be at work from how you are growing old as a person. I'd rather be ineffective at work with a good well being, than be like you.

I am thankful meeting you. I'd seen how someone could be really lost.

two and five

Thankful to what I have realized even from the start

What I always prefer

Something that I discovered that is rare to find to the opposite sex

Something I think I still have to improve on

Found the right words to describe myself regarding arguments (small one's / work-related)

An advice that I would give to someone I have recently encountered

A wisdom I learned at a very young age; that I will share to my future kids

To summarize the relationships that I've had

Ooh. Of all people, I ALWAYS KNOW THAT

The kind of love from a man that I always pray for

What I remind of myself every time I'm about to feel ashamed because of being mad

This is the level of my integrity I have in me

The introverted side of me. Cheers to myself and what's ahead! :)

on the brighter side

To write once a week is a failure as there is a lot going on lately. I have no idea how strong I could be until I have to deal with everything in the past few weeks. You know I'm confident that the universe owes me a lot with all the condemnation I am receiving, and on the other hand I am thankful about the fact that I am still able to handle it gracefully and can still hasn't fail to find a reason to laugh about it. hahaha.


FAMILY
First, mother got hospitalized, as usual - just like how it can possibly be annually. Yes, she has a sickness which is not fatal but aren't curable really. So the least thing for her to do is to actually take her medications regularly and have a professional consultation monthly.

I do remind her about that, every month; and you know I'm not really the type who always have the excess energy on pushing or reminding someone to do something especially when I know they aren't willing enough. But it is my mother, she will always have the exception.

So the year started and how fast it could be we're already in the mid-year; yet, here we are being a hospital inpatient for almost a month now. 

I am so thankful my father can still rightly provide financially, is so understanding, and is truly good-hearted; knowing that my mother could be really unreasonable, manipulative (which I actually find funny - I love that about her). Important thing is we're all getting through (while an elder sibling is having some nervous breakdown attacks).

After all, we have a newborn in the family from my other elder sibling, safe out and fully healthy. So there's no reason for me to be totally next to my elder sibling who's having some 'attacks' haha.


WORK
I should be done somehow discussing about the fucking mocking and some "incomplete instructions-but when you're wrong-you'll be judged from it anyway" every friday from  'this' person that gives me the "so against my nature I want to stab you in the face" feeling.

I am trying to understand this guy for months now and that is not just every end of work week -but everyday. Now I'm glad I decided to put up with it somehow. I'm not saying that I am totally getting him now (I'm still in awe with all the unecessary crap that comes out of his mouth) but I realized I am also just equally annoying him in a different way (my own way) at the same time. So I should call it quits. haha.

It's not like I'm doing in purpose to annoy him back (atleast not most of the time). It's just that this guy can be easily REALLY annoyed like;

i. when you ask him the same question more than twice (even when the first one was more than a week ago)
ii. when he knows that the question can be gotten from another source
iii. when he already told me something, and I forgot
iv. when I did something for more than the 2nd time and it is still wrong (hahaha)
v. when something is really unorganized (well, in his own standards)

I mean who has the time to be totally consumed by those? I can't believe this guy is actually unknowingly wasting his attention on those. hahaha.

Good thing is, I can see the annoyance in his face (which I always prefer from people) instead of being backstabbed, (although I know he does that too). Well, yes, I'm both being backstabbed and at the same time being judged right in front my face. so whatever! now I find it funny. hahahaha

I asked this guy to be more detailed with his instructions, and I'm glad seeing that at least, he is trying. I can tell he's being more patient too. If only he just knew that my intentions are pure in wanting to help him more. 

I just can't right now as much as I want to, because I have to equalize my emotional and mental state in all areas of my life. I have to keep track or take care of myself and keep my sanity. You know it's a thing you can't just explain to others even if it's with closest friends.

Did I mention I am also broke? I can't literally afford anything right now as my income capacity has been downgraded since I decided to move on from working in the land-based casino. Shit, ugggh. Well, I know it's a thing I have to compromise to have what I want someday.

To finally end my whining about this guy, I have to admit I kinda like him. I find him really interesting. I never met someone who's all consumed with small things, who's so organized, who still works even when he's on leave, who can point out faults even when he also has the deficiency on his part, who's so unfair, moody and stubborn? (without him realizing it) I actually find him funny. I see myself on him when I was 12. 

The kind-of-garbage character is so unique that's why I actually want to be friends with him. I want it to be more than professional, because this kind of guy isn't actually the type who will feel ashamed in front of you, which is authentic, it's REAL, you'll think he can't be too serious with all the insulting shit he says - but it is happening. But ofcourse it is never gonna happen because I will never do the first move ever. I just think it would be great to have a non-professional kind of conversation to this guy where I can be myself just to satisfy my curiosity in discovering his unique crappy thoughts. haha

I just want

I am suppose to write a becoming trend of events during Fridays, but I won't. I am also suppose to write what I really should have said back to people earlier, but I won't. I don't want to be in my most expressive state just because I feel like shit.

I just want to have millions of money, so that I won't have to put up with something that drains me; or put up with something that is against my nature.

I need to have someone who won't judge me, who will always be there; who I can trust; who I can be with at the end of an exhausting day. I know I'll have it and deserves it, because I am willing to do that for someone too.

I want to be an X-men mutant with teleportation powers, so that i'll have more time within a day to spend with people who matters.

I just want everyone to be happy. So that everyone can respect each other rightly. I will never want to hurt anyone nor will be interested with their thoughts; because I know I'm an introverted-diplomatic woman and I like it this way.

I have never attempted to alter other's opinions. I assume everyone knows that they owe themselves to have an open mind. I always make a way to myself in order for me to understand others. I usually agree even if it is against my values. I am a good person who's not afraid to be judged, who's always sincere, who's intention is to respect so that I could meet everyone half way.

I just wish everyone will the do the same too. So that at some point I know that i'm doing it right for others.

one of those days

Just having one those days wherein I am certain that I feel a lot of burst of crying.

First, I have a hell of a fucking manager who mocks the hell out of me. It just happen this is the first time that I'm liking the company-working condition that I have put myself in. People is lovely (except him ofcourse and his friend beside him who's just equally judging me), good food, less strict and all that, and my current job description can positively beneficial to my career someday. The complication of knowing that 'I want to stay' is already established beyond doubt while this fucking person just fully consumes me whenever he's around.

Second, it's a friday -meaning traffic is worst. I walked from SLEX corner Dela Rosa street to LRT Gil Puyat just to ride the bus. Imagine all the pollution I have in me. This had happened twice now and would probably happened again. I just want to go home already! That's it -no more no less. Or maybe all the walking is just the releasing of the negative energy that I restrained from the unreasonable fucking mocking earlier.

Third, when I attempted to cut into the long line of passengers in the bus station, the guard who actually has nothing to do with the operations of the transportation just 'casually' asked me in a loud manner (to make others hear him) that I should properly fall in line from the back.

So I turned my back on him thinking I would love to literally have a grenade and just blow myself up.

To my fucking manager, I don't know if you are just naturally like that. In either way, I couldn't care less about you really. I just want to comply to my job as I actually want to keep it. So you're asking me about the basis of that fucking report you asked me to do, wherein we both know that the only source is a very limited list of data? Then maybe you should start accepting the ideas of others (not just yours) then somehow you'll have one.

What did I ever do to you that it seems to me like I am your enemy? It is not my nature at all to have the energy in arguing with closed minded shit of yours. FYI that fucking energy was already reserved for my mother since childhood (which is actually gone now at this age). So the point is, belated happy mother's day, haha.

To city of makati, please do something about the rush of friday nights. 

To guard, FUCK YOU.

hot or cold

I've been feeling a lot of ups and downs lately. A clear intuition of pure black and white that shifts in a hand span of a time.

A new one had arrived who seems too good to be true. Tall, above normal endearing physical presence, probably clever. Obviously, my eyes are enthralled. Not physically, but on what my eyes can see through it.

I am thrilled knowing that somehow, an almost same age opposite sex isn't initially intimidated by my strange presence (that is actually nothing harmless). Although I can still sense that there's still a bit of that (I can tell the hands are fidgeting sometimes haha). But at the same time, I am surprised as this person can actually point out faults into my face critically.

It was so interesting. It's been a long time to encounter such a direct action towards me, I almost thought there's actually none who can be. You know, the only person who can be like that to me is my mother; some teachers from high school (lol); next is the closest friends -friends whom I count decades with.

But it's something professional, not even friends. Saying that means I can't just actually plot revenge, and be sarcastically-awesome like I always been. I have to remind myself (whenever I feel annoyed) that this is what I actually prefer in this life area as it perfectly matches my natural being.

Yes, annoyed too. See? the shifting of the reactions above? Trust me, I am equally puzzled in the last few weeks. 

So what do I see through? Nothing. Seriously, it's too direct I can't even tell if I am really being respected or belittled, challenged or being constructively criticized. WHAT THE FUCK is HAPPENING? So annoying! This is so not me.. 

But I'll figure this out. I'll just have to be patient (like REALLY patient to the point that I have to compromise my image of being a fool! Argh!); as I will reserve one day for this person in the future to make a point that all this time he actually have no idea that there's a thin line between being an asshole and sassy, a line which I actually cross everyday; and truth is, you actually need to think twice to level up your authenticity in front of me; because I am more than willing to give it back to you for a very long time now!

differences

This is the day I realized that I am truly have been a part of various entities for a short period of time. True, I do brag about my adaptation abilities, a strength that would have never been harnessed in this level anyway if I have always been very normal and not strange. Haha

So what can I say? ‘They all differ’ –too obvious for me to say, and a little embarrass, as I have truly overlooked that fact at some point, especially now.

Embarrass? Well, I have always been confident about my learning capacity. From utilizing the superficial charm in order to deliver a high-professional kind of customer service; to taste and create coffee or tea and how it differ in tasting like wine; to understand and become proficient in a highly specialized  developed systems, wherein the business process itself allows you with no mistake. 

And, that is just some..

I have been part of a totally varied places. Places wherein you can easily tell if business ethics are strictly observed or not; If people are educated and full of those you can’t trust; Places which can be abusive or generous and all that. Too different to the point I can find the traces of myself intentionally resigning and then acquiring new jobs just to fulfill the desire to challenge myself.

So instead of being an expert on something specific, I actually have a wide range set of skills that I can magically relate to each other everytime I have to re-write my resume. hahaha 

Before, I have to admit that I despise the fact that I can’t stay. But looking back, it had greatly contributed to my being, I love the fact on how I have greatly benefited from it. 

Except of course, from place to place, you have to compromise and accept the fact that you are being totally underestimated by colleagues –because you’re new, still learning! ‘FROM THAT LINE OF WORK’ lol

--Fine, I’ll accept.  But this is what I’ll say, ‘YOU DON’T ACTUALLY KNOW ANYTHING EXCEPT THIS ONE’. And what are you gonna do anyway if our workplace building had collapsed along with the industry you are an expert to; will forever vanish in the universe?

What happens to you, and how can you define yourself really, outside of your work that you claim yourself and expert to? Nothing. Because the truth is, you don’t know anything. So stop feeling whatever that is that makes you feel highly of yourself; and for your own sake having the sense of being safe, MIGHT AS WELL KEEP YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND.

what happens

I'm sorry about awhile ago. I don't mean to consume some of your time. I just thought it is best to communicate in an honest way. There will be no problem if I am familiar with it. I am particular with my ability to handle tasks that can actually be much more complicated; and it's just that at the same time, I am well aware about my deficiencies too.

However, I hope you understand when I say I honestly think there are details you will normally overlook (or forgot to tell) because it might appear very simple to you as you are very familiar already. Compared to your level or familiarity, mine is just a glance-- that's what I really mean to say.

Also, if sometimes you have to bear with me while i'm still at this stage of learning. I'm really sorry.

****That's what happens when a company doesn't provide formal training. The one who's in authority (the one who's in charge of teaching) will be dismayed as he/she is expecting the staff to get it right away (keep in mind not all bosses are trained to be a trainer/teacher) lol. Anyway, it consumes their time as they actually have real work to do at the same time. Then, the new staff will be judged as somewhat slow and will be embarassed to ask the boss necessary questions. hahaha. 

But remember this: No one will ever be capable to help you in your work if you are not patient or not willingly enough to share your knowledge to somebody. You think it is time consuming and repetitive? Well, it really is! But if you do atleast give it some time, try to imagine how it can greatly help you someday, if you'll just willingly invest. Learn some spirit of teamwork and empathy, will you? Asshole.

as of now

I attained something I've always wanted only to realize it's not the right time. I did everything carefully and did the right planning. However, after keeping up with it I found everyday the most difficult - Too exhausted at the end of the day. Which ended up with the decision in giving myself a break, letting all the consequences break; in exchange of the much time I truly need. 

Months had passed and looking back, I couldn't agree more with the decision that I made. But I still do have consequences to face. It's starting to sink in, I'm creating barriers against it with all of my ability, but none of it is working (at least as of now).

I learned the relational importance of timing and opportunities. Two different things you can't just force as it doesn't usually come together.